Barista Boys, and Diners

Well dog my cats this, is, embarrassing. So I came to here to cups at like 2, then I left a little after 3 to go get my mother and little sister from the pool. I dropped them off at the house and ran in to take a shower and ended up changing my clothes as well. (I promise this is all very important) Of course I hadn't accomplished all that I wanted to accomplish at cups so I left the house to go back. Now, I am back at cups, with wet hair, a completely new outfit, and the exact same baristas as before... I did my best to be sneaky. I kept my sunglasses on as I slinked in (so as not to draw much attention), and did my best not to make eye contact with them because now it is obvious that the baristas are going to think I have no life! Which is totally false! Just last night I hung out with a friend! and two weeks before that I walked my cat and waved at the neighbors! I'm a high flying socialite I tell you. You would be hard pressed to find someone more active socially than me here in Jackson.

It's really a shame that they think this about me now. I did so badly wish to impress the barista boy. I have a slight crush on him. He is very cute. Once he gave me a cups points card that a customer had left behind and it had four dollars in points on it, sigh, that's when it all started. Everyday that I see him in here I smile and order my student coffee. Like seriously though, you'd think that after almost two months of me ordering the exact same thing that he would try to take this relationship a little farther by asking me if I want the usual instead of asking me what I want everyday. I have always very much wanted to be so much of a regular customer at a place that the employees are on a first name basis with me, refer to my order as the usual, ask me where I get my clothing, and discuss the latest season of Sherlock with me every time I come in. I guess I am just too cold and uninviting for baristas to want to engage in that kind of banter with me, sigh. One day I will fulfill my dream of working in a seedy diner in the middle of no where, and I will make sure I get to know all my regular customers! That would be the most amazing adventure, wouldn't it?! I would smack my gum, put a bow in my hair, wear an apron, tease the truckers who come through at midnight for a cupa joe and talk either like I'm from the bronx or Rolling Fork, Mississippi (I haven't decided which accent would be best to scream "WHO ORDERED THE HEART ATTACK" in). I think it is all the prairie home companion I listen to that planted this dreamin my brain. Hopefully I will live in a trailer park during this adventure. Take that back, I do not have the desire to live in a trailer park... ever. I will try and find an old maid who's looking to rent her flat over the garage so she can get some money to pay for her cat Whisker's cancer treatment. Now THAT would be the cherry on top of my dream. I promise if I ever reach this dream I blog about it regularly. If I can't find a diner or an old lady I like I guess Waffle House and a duplex will have to suit me.

Question of the day: Should I do a video blog post?
Answer of the day: Mutual I'm sure

Rants and Hairy Tongues

GAHUHLEE! I was having a wonderful, beautiful, relatively peaceful day, and then I got in my car THAT DOES NOT HAVE A WORKING AIR CONDITIONER in the 100 degree weather. I screamed in pain upon sitting down in my car, (I had shorts on) so I had to place a dress I had lying around in the car between me and the seat because I would have gotten 3rd degree burns, that is how hot it was. So then everything went fine for a while, as my wards and I drove to the YMCA for a swim meet. I was using my GPS to get directions. I HATE GPS'S!!!! That machine of the devil took me all around podunk Brandon, Mississippi. Add Brandon to the list of things I hate, please. I ended up at a dead end with cows, I got trapped in a gated neighborhood, I scraped the bottom of my car on camoflaged speed bumps (who camoflages speed bumps you ask? Rednecks with a capital R thank you very much), and one of my little girls cracked mid way through our hour and a half car trip and laughed hysterically for ten mins. Hell is an endless car ride through brandon in 100 degree heat with hungry tired thirsty children in the backseat.
So we finally found the Y. I pulled in so upset I didn't even notice I double parked till I left. We were late of course so all the shady spots were taken... So I sat in the sun about five mins then quickly relocated to the shade of a lonely trashcan. I huddled behind it whimpering and trying to find my happy place. I had to take my little girl to the bathroom at one point and PRAISE THE LORD the bathroom had air conditioning. I think I stayed in there close to ten mins just chilling not even minding the filth around me. I was in a state of happiness only a working air conditioner can take a person too. I was suddenly a kind, well tempered rational being again, till I left the bathroom. I then lost all grip on sanity and went back to southern survival mode. If you ever encounter 100 degree heat, drenching humidity and you are stuck outside follow these directions:

1. Find. shade. fast.
2. Be as still as possible, try everything in your power not to move, excpet to do number 7
3. Find anything, ANYTHING you can turn into a fan
4. Turn said thing into a fan
5. Fan yourself
6. Under no circumstance will you touch anyone, touching passes heat, you will be coolest alone, everyone must fend for themselves in this death sauna they call Mississippi
7. Drink Ice Tea or water in massive quantities

If you can do all those things you might survive.
So today I received an e-mail from Web MD I unfortunately I didn't read the subject line. The inside of the e-mail said "You think cold sores are bad? What about black hairy tongue?" Web MD strikes again... add that to my list of fears. Now, I don't know which would be worse having it or knowing people with it. Nope I do know, having it, having it is worse, much worse, goodness gracious.
I want to star in an infomercial or at least be one of the people on the cooking ones who gets to try all the food they make. How does one go about starring in an infomercial?

CowMEN, Escalators, and Possums

I've been extremely busy as of late. I have recently rediscovered the beauty of the western film. I say western and not cowboy movie because not all westerns have cowboys (plus come on, cowBOY? Every one can see they are men) in them. So the western has become my go to movie genre these past few weeks. Lonesome Dove is a wonderful movie AND it stars Tommy Lee Jones, and Robert Duvall. (HA-CHA-CHA) Everything is good and right in the world when those two are in the saddle ready to save damsels from the evil clutches of Comanches and the like, sigh. So this movie coupled with my recent viewing of Men in Black III (which I now kinda want to see again) made me want to see No Country for Old Men. Netflix promptly delivered it. I just have to say, GOOD MOVIE!!! and it totally counts as a western seeing as it is set in texass. It inspired me to start reading the book. So I stopped reading Abe Linc Vamp Hunter, (dont everyone try and convince me to finish it first! I know its a classic but Cormac McCarthy calls me!) and now I am reading NCFOM. Its really good. It's not a field of flowers but its good.

I went to the mall yesterday.... I had to get shoes, ok. I got my new sandals from Belk. Belk is the department store that took over the locally owned department store McRae's. Because of this we all despised Belk for the longest time, and I STILL do. However, when you enter Northpark Mall you lose all sense of reason and enter the closest department store so you can get out before you catch some fatal disease only transmitted via Mall escalators. (A guy just walked into the coffee shop with a hollister shirt on that says Southern California and super gay sunglasses. I want to stand up and scream HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN TO CALIFORNIA???!!! and then tell him to go burn his shirt.) I am deathly afraid of escalators. I ride them out of necessity only. I never know when I should step onto them! My whole life I was told completely true stories of red headed little girls whose shoes were untied and got caught in the escalators and were killed because they couldn't get loose from the teeth of the escalator! Oh, and if you are a 10 year old with your brand new purple crocs on don't think you are safe! Shawanda at the jewelry counter in Belk will tell you stories of crocs and escalators that will make you scream for your mother. Seriously though, what about the edge of an escalator stair looks safe? I never like to stand near people on them. I always imagine someone stumbling and grabbing me for support thus sending me flying and impaling me on the stairs. So I beg you to never stand near me on an escalator. I can assure you even if I look calm, I am having a mini panic attack inside.
http://www.consumerwatch.com/workplacepublic/escalators
But, anyway the mall disgusts me. I saw a completely gaudy store, but it was huge, so I thought "hmmm, they might have some cheap dress-code clothing!" As I approached the store I was hit with the overwhelming smell of antiseptic covering the smell of vomit (probably from the escalator disease). I hightailed it out of there. I guess I'm going to have to go to the store with the prayer request book in the fitting rooms. Yes, that is actually a store. People write their prayer requests in this book in the middle of a fitting room. The prayer requests tend to be very detailed and usually say things like "I want to pray for Jenny Beth Lynn from Madison, MS she recently got beat up by her boyfriend Johnny Ray Stevens from Clinton, MS but she wont leave him." When I saw this I wanted to scream. Seriously?! Seiously?! What if Jenny Beth sees this?! What if people know Jenny Beth?! Now everyone knows Jenny Beth's business! Oh, Mississippi...
My father just informed me he is going to write an article on Possums. Specifically, tales of people eating possums. http://www.tngenweb.org/tntable/possum.htm

Fruit In My Hair

I'm surrounded by attractive men and they are all staring at their computer or each other... Today I got in line to order my drink while standing behind the local Josh Lucas look-a-like, I'm pretty sure he's a med student, ha-cha-cha. I think he got a hair cut and new shoes. Those shoes were just too blue to be anything other than new. As usual I just pretended like I was absorbed in the seasonal drink specials. OoooOooo zebra mocha.... interesting.... We said nothing to each other. We could both sense the vibes though I'm sure.
I cleaned out the underneath of a bed today where I nanny and then walked around for an hour with a half decayed mandarin orange slice hanging from my pony-tail. How does that even happen?! I didn't roll around underneath there! I slid in and out. There were whole wrapped Twinkies under this bed and a large decaying peach. I made the little girl remove the peach just in case there were glowing green worms in it or anything that might transform me into claymation with a bunch of bugs.
So, I went to see Snow White and the Huntsman. I'm not entirely sure what I think about it. It was entertaining, but realistic? I don't think so. Seriously who just goes around kissing supposedly dead maidens? Well ladies and gentlemen, not just one but TWO different guys in this movie. Seriously? Seriously. I mean they didn't have amazing embalming processes back then... and one of those kisses was extremely post mortem... and that's all I'm gonna say about that.
I have also started watching Seinfeld recently. I mean I had always watched it with my parents when I was little but I am branching out and watching it without my parentals. I find it extremely rewarding. I admire Elaine very much, and have decided I need to speak my mind more, and not be afraid to tell people off. Because, even if it is stressful at the time it will more than likely be a good story to tell.

BUMDUMDADADADADA Its time for my new segment: Kids Say the Darndest Things!
This episode is featuring advice about boys and experiences from their own love lives by my darling wards aged 6 and 9.

• No, no, you are wrong. Boys are always stupid. Well, except our dads cause they go through high school and college.
• Smart boys are good cause they will do your homework.
• He asked me out... in computer class... (This one speaking here is 6) I wonder if he will ask me out next year? I would say no, he's gross.
• All boys like me (the 6 year old again)
• I hate when they say "hey baby whatsup" ewwwww
• A guy asked me out... over the phone... (6)
• Make sure you meet his mother!
• Don't pick out a wedding cake on the first date.
• No kissing with music.

So as of late I have been tanning. Except every time I do it I fall asleep. I feel like that doesn't usually happen. I also have bad experiences with falling asleep while tanning. I get burnt (thanks a lot San Buenaventura!!!(on a completely unrelated note I just took my vitamin c and it was sta-rong!!! Kinda made my eyes water. Is that norms? (Its very powdery))). My mouth starts to open as I tan on my back and I start to drift asleep. Then I start to get self-conscious because I am at pool and all. (My left arm is starting to spaz is that norms?!) So then I turn over to tan the other side then I fall dead asleep but jerk awake randomly because I don't want to burn plus I feel like at any moment my open mouth and snores could attract unwanted attention by any number of little boys, life guards, or bugs. Its so hard to tan sometimes I just don't want to do it. But, I SHALL MARCH ON (or rather lie on) because I want that sun-kissed Mississippi look on more than just my neck.

Weak Coffee and Car Fixin

I feel like an empowered woman right now. I am at the car fix place location, and I am getting my car doctored up! I have no idea what came out of the guys mouth at the counter. I just nodded and said things like "oil change," "transmission," "air conditioner," "tire," "I don't have stick shift," "can I have that muffin?," "Do I physically have to have my coupon or can we just show some trust.... (I quickly glance at his name tag on his button down blue striped mechanic shirt) Eric?"
Well news flash you have to have a coupon in your hand, and no i can't have that muffin. So I'm sitting by a tire display listening to the new Regina Spektor CD and blagging. I refuse to sit with everyone else in the waiting area. They do not look warm and inviting. They are all watching a history channel special on alligator hunters... No thank you. I heard a snippet of their conversation while trying to decide where to sit. "Wowww... they must be true Cajuns..." This was said in a tone of sickening adoration. At that point i quickly looked for an alternative and found my deliverance in the form of a chair by a tire display. It is advertising their American Freedom Plan. How lovely. If you don't hear from me in three weeks I have passed out from the fumes of the tires at the car fix place location. I hope I can post this before I pass out otherwise no one will find me except the Cajun worshipers.... Gah-uh-lee people THINK FOR YOURSELVES!
So I've pulled the wool over the eyes of the workers here at this car thing location. They only give you teeny tiny white Styrofoam cups to put the complimentary coffee in. I'm talking about smaller than the commons cups, smaller than the little white funnel paper cups. So I brought my large mug that I am currently in love with and sat there for a good two minutes pumping coffee into my cup very satisfied with myself. Take that Eric, muffin dream saboteur.

Haiku's from the Car Place

Dear Eric you did

not let me have that muffin

Well I don't like you

These tires smell like

rubber cement and apples

JK I'm a liar

They actually smell

The way that new tires smell...

like fruit and cement

let me out of here

I'm starting to feel light head-

ed. This coffee's weak

I will die here soon

buried in the tire graveyard

And Eric will gloat

What is trust, Eric?

These haikus are truly bad

I could use a drink

What am I doing here?! I should be fixing a turban or defrosting my refrigerator instead! (unless my fridge looks like this! 

In that case I wouldn't need to defrost!) According to some English man this is what our fridges will look like in 2050. (I feel extremely awkward right now. Eric is showing a tire on my tire display to a business man, and I'm just here tip-typin away. WELL TAKE THAT ERIC!)

Well spoiler alert I survived the vehicular fixy place (they informed me that to fix my air conditioning I would have to pay $1118.00!!! (once again I find myself in the predicament of not having capital numbers to emphasize my point) Who do they think they are? do they have the rights to cool air? I don't think so! (please see The Beatles song "Taxman" it is extremely apropo to this situation) So, now I am at my coffee shop about to make some n3p CD mix tapes. I will also happily end my day coloring. That's right its been a good day for the most part. I got new jeans. So, I shall treat myself with some good old fashioned coloring while I listen to Jonah and the Ark (GET IT???!!! cuz of Bible stories).

Ghosts and Suburban Drama

So today I was at my extremely stressful and trying job, nannying, and the little girls were hearing knocking noises behind them in the walls. The littlest, who scares very easily, gets extremely freaked out. I told her it was probably just the air-conditioning. This does not ease her mind. When I leggo her eggo we heard it again. She freaked. I told her to calm down, that it was probably a squirrel outside and then I proceeded to fiddle around on my laptop. Next thing I know she is knocking all over the breakfast bar with her fist.
"What are you doing???" I demanded
"I'm trying to contact the spirits"she retorted, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, with a role of her eyes.
Today I got to go to a swim meet. If you ever want to be hot, sticky, feel extremely tense, and gossip with ticked off rich white women, THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE.
Oh hell naw! The swim coach isn't even here yet?! Is this a joke?! Where is a sharpie?! I need to write my childs name on their shoulder blade! Oh shoot, that's Chase's poop face! CHASE, IF YOU POOP IN THAT POOL!!! My child better get to swim backstroke, we have good backs in my family, the best!
Such were the exclamations at the Riverhills Country Club Swim Meet. I sat in the shade reading Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, as well as the latest copy of In Style. Every now and then I would lean over to Mrs. Addie Tude and just say, "Is the coach still not here yet?" That would set her off again.
The best part of the whole swim meet though was when the ghost whisperer came in first in her heat. That little girl half doggie paddled, with no goggles, in a pink frilly suit, while glancing over to see if she was winning the whole time, and she STILL won. I stood on the other end screaming YOU GO GIRL! SWIM, SWIM, SWIM!!! YOU. ARE. WINNING!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!!! I got an adrenaline rush watching this extremely slow, freestyle, 5-7 year old swim race. It was amazing. I have never been so proud of child in my life. I had all the moms I had gossiped with rooting for my little girl too. She got out and they handed her the 1st place in the heat ribbon and I'm telling you Mrs. Phelps wasn't prouder than I was. Ok actually she probs was. I mainly wanted to go taunt the other children and rub it in their faces that they lost. I had to leave at that point though. Their mother had gotten there.

Number one question I get about California: So...um... how's the... (whispered) Mary Jane out there?