Rants and Hairy Tongues

GAHUHLEE! I was having a wonderful, beautiful, relatively peaceful day, and then I got in my car THAT DOES NOT HAVE A WORKING AIR CONDITIONER in the 100 degree weather. I screamed in pain upon sitting down in my car, (I had shorts on) so I had to place a dress I had lying around in the car between me and the seat because I would have gotten 3rd degree burns, that is how hot it was. So then everything went fine for a while, as my wards and I drove to the YMCA for a swim meet. I was using my GPS to get directions. I HATE GPS'S!!!! That machine of the devil took me all around podunk Brandon, Mississippi. Add Brandon to the list of things I hate, please. I ended up at a dead end with cows, I got trapped in a gated neighborhood, I scraped the bottom of my car on camoflaged speed bumps (who camoflages speed bumps you ask? Rednecks with a capital R thank you very much), and one of my little girls cracked mid way through our hour and a half car trip and laughed hysterically for ten mins. Hell is an endless car ride through brandon in 100 degree heat with hungry tired thirsty children in the backseat.
So we finally found the Y. I pulled in so upset I didn't even notice I double parked till I left. We were late of course so all the shady spots were taken... So I sat in the sun about five mins then quickly relocated to the shade of a lonely trashcan. I huddled behind it whimpering and trying to find my happy place. I had to take my little girl to the bathroom at one point and PRAISE THE LORD the bathroom had air conditioning. I think I stayed in there close to ten mins just chilling not even minding the filth around me. I was in a state of happiness only a working air conditioner can take a person too. I was suddenly a kind, well tempered rational being again, till I left the bathroom. I then lost all grip on sanity and went back to southern survival mode. If you ever encounter 100 degree heat, drenching humidity and you are stuck outside follow these directions:

1. Find. shade. fast.
2. Be as still as possible, try everything in your power not to move, excpet to do number 7
3. Find anything, ANYTHING you can turn into a fan
4. Turn said thing into a fan
5. Fan yourself
6. Under no circumstance will you touch anyone, touching passes heat, you will be coolest alone, everyone must fend for themselves in this death sauna they call Mississippi
7. Drink Ice Tea or water in massive quantities

If you can do all those things you might survive.
So today I received an e-mail from Web MD I unfortunately I didn't read the subject line. The inside of the e-mail said "You think cold sores are bad? What about black hairy tongue?" Web MD strikes again... add that to my list of fears. Now, I don't know which would be worse having it or knowing people with it. Nope I do know, having it, having it is worse, much worse, goodness gracious.
I want to star in an infomercial or at least be one of the people on the cooking ones who gets to try all the food they make. How does one go about starring in an infomercial?