Tornadoes and Women's Vitality

I got up incredibly early this morning and now I am at cups (whoa tiger that was a LOT of sugar you just put in your coffee flavored drink girl! (I say coffee flavored because there is now more sugar and milk than coffee in that cup (also I seriously doubt she actually got coffee she looked like more of a cocomochacookiecrumblecream person))) I am very impressed this morning I was observing some very handsome strangers and then it struck me, we are awake in the wee small hours of the morning and you still managed to look THAT GOOD?!... (Oh sorry attractive man did I just spill my coffee all over you? I guess you will have to take me out to dinner and a movie to pay me back for the coffee I just wasted!) That's more than I can say for myself. I slept with my hair in a bun and now its all like, "I don't care if you want to wear your hair down like a normal person I am going to keep your hair looking like its in a drunk bun even if there isn't a pony tail holder in it" Who grew you hair?! WHO GREW YOU?!
I'm meeting my friends boyfriend today. His name is Kyle. I need to make sure he has a belly button. I plan on hot seating him whenever my friend goes to the bathroom during the dinner date I invited myself to. Kyle is just gonna have to be a third wheel sorry pal. They've been dating for forever they need me to spice things up for them. Maybe I will bring my guitar and serenade them with "smelly cat" to set the mood.
Speaking of cats did I tell yall that nasty cat at work died? Well it did.
There is a group of old men sitting at a table extremely close to where people queue for coffee. I think they like to taunt the customers. I would if I were old and sitting that close to the queue. "You might as well give up. You will never get your coffee. You're wearing THAT while you drink coffee? It's your funeral... CHUG CHUG CHUG. Do you need me to take your keys? Your shoelaces are untied."
Taunting is the best if it were an Olympic sport I would be the leading contender. I got most school spirit 2 non-consecutive years in school, the year in between I got class clown... I don't know why they voted me that... I never did anything funny in class. Anyway, most school spirit translates to loudest heckler at school sporting events. I was forcibly removed from games. Volleyball is no joke ok! I don't care if you're "supposed to be quite when the other team serves" do you think they're going to be quiet at the olympics? doubt it.
A guy with a doctor who? shirt on just sat next to me, he derf is not impressing me with an ability to be attractive in the morning.
I spy a fanny pack!

3 Days Later

WHEW I just got an americano and I am Wired with a capital double you. So is it weird to watch movies on your lap top in a coffee shop? I'm going to go ahead and say yes it is so I won't do that.  I've started tweeting again but I refuse to tell anyone what my name is because there are tweets on there from senior year and they're really stupid/embarrassing
Oh so I found this new trail mix that they sell in bulk at The Fresh Market, which is like a wannabe Whole Foods Market, it's called "Womens Vitality Mix." It has pumpkin seeds and almonds and dark chocolate chips and dried prunes and cherries and sunflower seeds! So when I met Kyle, I didn't really know what to say, and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was "Sorry if I reek of Women's Vitality I just ate a bag of it." Oh yeah, true story.
Of course seeing as the meeting ended up being semi awkward cause we didn't really know what to say my friend started relating embarrassing stories about things I "supposedly" screamed during tornado alerts.

In case it isn't common knowledge Mississippi is in the Bible Belt, but an even less known fact is that we are also in the TORNADO BELT "thunder crashes in background and tornado siren goes off" So what they do is they train you at a very young age (holy CABOOSES im pretty sure James Van Der Beek's twin just walked in, on second thought no and if he is he derf got the short end of the gene pole) with the essentials of Tornado survival 1) find a room slash hallway with no windows B)find a rickety metal set of lockers to crouch next too 3) cover your neck and pray. The above video is from my senior year. This is the day where I "supposedly" screamed weird things, whatever...

A Maelstrom of Fannypacks

Well hello strangers. I am doing something unprecedented. I am sitting in Barnes and Noble blagging. What?! I need some fresh faces to people watch. Plus I already spent a considerable amount of time at cups today. I'll go back later once the shift changes. Today I discovered two new words that I didn't even realize were real words or fake words till I read them in a beautiful book I'm reading. 1st word of the day Afflatus- A divine creative impulse or inspiration. Did you know that was a word?! I have a friend who has a board on pintrest and it is titled Afflatus. But I thought she made it up cause she's awesome and makes up cool words a lot. But, she didn't make this one up. At first I was dissapointed, then I was like wait this word is amazing... my friend is so cool cause she knows this awesome word!
The next word is Maelstrom- A powerful whirlpool in the sea or a river (a mythical whirlpoop (that is the best typo I have ever had the privilege to typo so it stays)  supposed to exist in the arctic ocean, west of Norway) Holy cabooses!!!! What an awesome word! How I am going to sneak this into day to day conversation I have no idea. I also have no on earthly idea how in the great cosmos to pronounce it... Oh well that is the fun of new words. I thought facade was said with a hard c for the longest time. Nope. Gee it sounds so nice with the hard c. I thought "album" was "albLum" which is how it should be said if you ask me. I say it the right way when I'm not talking to myself in my head. But, it is said very deliberately. If you ever hear me say it you can be sure that I am making very sure that I say it without the L.  Anyway sorry I got you caught up in that maelstrom of... nope too forced. (I also can't come up with a word to describe the past 2 or 3 sentences.) I will find a way don't you worry.There is a woman across from me who is actually writing with a huge flower pen. To my right there is an old man eating a bagel and drinking nantucket apple juice whilst wearing a tweed fedora with feathers poking out of it very Dr. Doolittle, not to be confused with Eliza Doolittle I'm pretty sure she wasn't a doctor and I'm pretty sure she didn't wear fedoras. Nook tablet for dummies is on sale they should sell "Dummie Books for Dummies" telling all the dummies in the world what dummie books they should purchase if they don't want to be called a dummie anymore. I think the internet just went out here at B&N and by the tragic look on the face of the hipster in front of me i would say yes it has. Oh there it goes! its back on again!! Fear not hipster man all is well on the blagoblogesphere. I hear that's what the young kids are calling it these days. I want a fanny pack. I feel like I need a change maybe I'll get bangs or maybe I will get a fanny pack. They are both pretty big changes but I think it would be good for me. I've been so snippy lately. (I know its hard to believe, me? snippy? get out of town! get off the stage! shut the front door! drop the anchor! pull in the sails! avast the brigands! (that's a saying right?) swab the deck! do the stanky leg! hem your pants! guard the cellar! drop it like its hot! burn the hatches!) I don't know what it is but I've been nipping everything in the bud lately. I need an attitude adjustment or a fanny pack either one will do. No, actually only the fanny pack will do. If you would like to donate to the "Find Me a Fannypack Fund" just send me money. (I made fannypack one word so that I could have my alliteration)

Fa

I'm convinced my wards probably secretly think I'm crazy. I'm sitting in their living room right now in the lazy boy watching pride and predjudice (I don't believe that it is spelled without a d. That is how I say it so that is how I spell it) whilst simultaneously downing pumpkin spice coffee and stalking people on facebook. I make good money for what I do, if you consider what I'm doing actually doing something. I have all next week off paid vacation. Wait i typed that wrong. I have all next week off, unpaid... They told me that like they were giving me a gift... 
This coffee is doing weird things to me. I'm looking at pictures of friends and cracking up then mid way through I tear up and sob while imagining amazing reunion scenes. I have so many good ones. A field of flowers is usually necessary but I realize those are out of stock in some places now so I have come up with other scenes just in case. But any way, the laugh/cry is whats making me paranoid. Those kids already think I'm strange they don't need to think I'm psychotic on top of that. In the middle of one of my life lessons the other day the littlest just went "you're weird". Gee, thanks. Well you hide food under your bed so go pick your nose somewhere you little snot. Just kidding I didn't say that. I gave her my crazy eyes and then continued talking about sharing or body hair or something silly like that. Today I got up at 4:45 for work. Just kidding that was when my alarm went off in reality I got up at five. I feel so proud of myself when I get up early. "Because Getting up is really hard."- Z. Deschanel (she's the best)
P&P is the best. It had me laughing out loud today. Those two youngest sisters Kitty and Lydia have me guffawing (does that word make anyone else think of a giraffe rolling around on the ground whilst laughing?)
I have been listening to spotify for a while now and it has frozen!!! It's been acting up on me I sent grievance reports for a while when it would ask me to after it froze. The reports were very polite and then after like th 10th one in a single day I went berzerk! they started saying things like "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP FREEZING G DANGIT" "SOS (SAVE OUR SPOTIFY)" "I will kill this worm if you dont fix spotify!!!!" "It's dead you nature killers" I guess they took me seriously its only frozen on me twice today.
I'm currently watching bugs bunny holla back girl I love bugs. Once I got a bugs bunny stuffed animal and then my family lost it on a road trip to Alabama. True story.
I ironed my shorts and starched them sunday.
Sometimes music comes on and I really have to restrain myself from dancing and just smiling extremely big. Moneygrabber is just doin it for me right now! (I'm in cups now btdubs I left work like 4 1/2 hours ago (I was forced to watch a super cheesy movie about girls basketball before I could come to cups...))
The workers at this Cups are all so eclectic, tatooed, and hipster weird but awesome at the same time that when I go to other cups around the Metro-Jackson area and the workers are mediocre normal boring people I freak out. I just want to yell at them "This isn't cups!!!! you sit on a throne of lies!!!! And you smell like soup!"
So sometimes I get out to the suburbs early on my way to work so I pull off to this parking lot next to pizza inn and I ponder. Problem is my car has recently decided it hates to crank unless you tickle it and cry into the exhaust tank simultaneously. So I will look down realize its time to quit pondering and get to work and then my car refuses to crank. Then the death clock starts ticking. Every second  brings me closer to work time and I'm stuck by pizza inn. That's what I get for pondering

decaf? what was I thinking...

Once again I am in front of the window. I am convinced the coffee shop workers just watch and judge me based on what I do on my computer. YES I am stalking this person for the bajillionth time got a problem with it!? Today cute coffee shop guy and I had a connection. He asked me how I was doing, and then we met eyes and smiled after I took my decaf (I need to sleep when I get home ok (the people next to me are talking about catfish po-boys)) from him. I aintuhlyin, ask him if you don't believe me. Today was Sunday Funday at my house. We set my bro up an e-harmony account (I'm not sure if he went through with it I will have to ask him). It was pretty funny, apparently at his work his female co-worker's have a bunch of nurse friends who are on e-harmony. So, he needs to be on it too, apparently. I wish very dearly I could tell yall about something that happened to me the other day. But, I can't write about it. Yall will have to ask me about it if you want to know. It's pretty juicy. But anyway, e-harmony apparently asks you to rate yourself on all sorts of things like attractiveness, whether or not you are a dominant or submissive personality, and if you are kind. Kind of what? I told my brother to put that he is the kind of guy who likes icing on his cake. He didn't. He said that he is "very." I left mid way through to go on a bike ride. Last night I went on a night bike ride in the rain with my mass clothes on. It was the most amazing thing in the world. Today I went with the intent of going up as many hills as I could. It was grueling. Then I came home and I took a shower. Next my brother and I went to the store to get barbecue stuff. We had to take my car so I made him listen to Laura Marling the whole time because he always forces me to listen to his garbage country music. He was such a baby about it too. He complained the whole way there, and back. I thought he was in a better mood once we agreed on the marinade for the chicken but noooooooo, once the music came on he got all crabby again. So we got home and then we started grilling and it suddenly became peachy again. We sat and tried to make our ears wiggle (he can wiggle his left one I can't wiggle at all). I recently discovered an old canteen of mine so I have only been drinking out of it. My mother came outside and saw me downing my water and demanded that I let her smell what was in my canteen... seriously... Of course it was water so then my brother and I just laughed and tried to wiggle our ears some more (sometimes I like to pretend my belt is a snake I trained to keep my pants up)
I went to see Brave for the second time and it made me cry a second time. I also saw a guy who liked me a lot my senior year and he was with his girlfriend, and she was holding him and they were snuggling and what not and it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen so my friend and I sat in front of them so we could keep an eye out to see if they started doing anything more than snuggling if you know what I mean. They didn't.
My little sister was in a play this past weekend. The Little Mermaid Jr. It was pretty scandy if you ask me (if that girl screamlaughs one more time....). They were shimmy shamba-ing all over the place and encourging all sorts of nonsense. I'm pretty sure Sebastian was gay. My little sister did an amazing job, of course. You could hear her singing over Flounder (thank goodness). The story was very weak though. It was nothing like the movie.  (Alright I need to leave that girl is killing the vibe and this decaf is making me angry)

Tid Bits and

I went to the coast this past weekend. I did not go to the beach. No, instead my father and I ditched the fam at a fancy pants hotel pool/water park and we high tailed it to Florida. We went to Florida to get scratch off lottery tickets. Thats how cool we are. I splurged a dollar of my own money and won nothing on my card... I mean seriously? The odds on the dollar cards are 1:4.33!!! Do yall know how many of those I have bought in my life??? Not that many, but more that 4.33! I should have won at least 2 or 3 times by now. harumph. My father gave me a 3 dollar one entitled Bingo Night and I won $6!! Holla back girl! I love the names of scratch off cards. My favorite one I've ever gotten was entitled Moo-lah and had cows on it.
After we gambled we went to Bass Bro Shop. I was privy to one of the most hillarious things I've ever heard through my own ears. A lady was sitting in a camoflage lazy boy. She turns to her husband and says "This chair would match our couch." Oh baby.
My uncle informed me my cousins girl-friend has in her bathroom at her house two stuffed bears eating a stuffed moose.
A man just entered cups with a starbucks cup... who does he think he is?
When I was little (actually I still do it) I spent most car rides debating a very important question to myself in my head. If I had to be stick in a store for the rest of my life which store would I choose? At first I thought, hmmm Kroger (the MS equivalent of vons) would be good because it has plenty of food. Then I mentally face palmed. How would I cook the food? So I decided walmart would be the place because they have toaster ovens and what not. They also sell ferrets occasionally, not to mention clothes and computers and music and bicycles and everything you could possibly imagine. However, I realized that Sams Club would be even better because they have everything Wal-Mart has and more! They have tree houses inside and couches and stoves and free samples. This was always a post apocalyptic world where I am the only one left. But someone has to take out the trash and clean the place so it is completely obvious that I would have invisible servants like Psyche has before she looks at Cupid.
I have taken to teaching my wards life lessons. "If you burp and smack your food you will never find a husband" "If you can speak in a British accent at least once a day" "If you can't say something nice go to your room" "Don't gossip in a glass house everyone can see you" "Vanilla is deceiving. I smells good but tastes awful" "Never go to Gunpoint a lot of people get robbed there" "Dont waste food there is a hungry nanny in the kitchen"
I tried out for True Grit my 11th grade year. I got a call back and went and was recorded on a camera and was probably seen by the Cohen brothers. Every time I see the girl who got the part instead of me think of all the things she robbed me of like being chummy with Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, and Jeff Bridges. So, I pretty much hate her.
I scare the cats at my work and get great pleasure out of it. I think the sick one is dying i didnt move when I jumped into the laundry room screaming BOOGA WOOGA. The kitchen at this house has a huge island in the middle of it. One day I will stand on it and dance to the beach boys. Today it was pouring cats and dogs. So I put on my bathing suit and ran around in the street with my wards. We put flip flops in the puddles and raced them. I pretended I was Gene Kelly's female counter part until I stepped on a rock in the middle of a puddle.
Today I entered myself to win the publishers clearing house jackpot. Cross your fingers!

This is my Facade

I am writing this right now so that everyone behind me doesn't realize that I could literally sit here for hours and only get on pintrest. I'm sitting outside on the patio of cups because it is the perfect summers day in Mississippi for sitting outside. It is overcast and about to rain and slightly windy. It's perfect. But, as I said I am sitting in front of the window which means everyone passing by is able to see my computer screen... so, I need to pretend like I am doing something extremely important and pressing. To help with the facade I just picked up my planner and rifled through it like it is filled with important notes about my pretend internship at the pretend hospital where I pretend I go and save lives daily, and not filled with blank pages (like it actually is). It does have some mail sticking out of it and a sheet of stamps and some blank post cards but other than that it is pretty pathetic. When I was in high school I had the most amazing planner that was filled with amazing plans and notes to myself. Things like "Don't forget to get aluminum foil," "You go girl!," "Last semester rocked keep it up!!!," "Oh my gosh you made honor roll!!!! Holla back girl!!! You've never done that before!!!" (The me who lived in my planner could be quite cruel with her humor at times) I had awesome quotes from people in my classes that I had written down, and some random quotes from Abe Link. It was the best. It was so close to my heart I took it to college, where I never looked at it. Anyway, there is one thing on the planner for this week. (Drum roll puhleazzze) Vacation!!!! I'm going down to Fairhope, Alabama! It will be my grandmother's 89th birthday tomorrow!!! I will go to the beach, get sun burnt, and hang out with my awesome Italian family (I know its completely obvious I'm Italian, but I felt like I needed to say it just in case there was any doubt). There is family drama guaranteed. How could there not be? I will keep y'all up to date on any spectacular tidbits I happen to witness. It's strange to think about, but statistically my older siblings and I are the most likely to get married next out of the grandchildren. Of course neither of my older siblings are going to be able to make this gathering, so I will receive the full brunt of all questioning concerning any marriage prospects. I usually come back with extremely smart and witty answers to shoot right back though. Once while shopping with my uncle I was asked where my boyfriend likes to shop. To which I replied "No place in particular... Where does your boyfriend like to shop?" Bahahahaha I crack myself up. 
Ships in the night this cute guy who drove up caught me starring at him like ten different times. I am anything but suave. Oh my goodness a girl I went to public elementary school with just came in!!! Ah!! hide me! I stopped being friends with her in like 6th grade when she told me she liked to practice voodoo and offered to mix a potion for me... She just talked to me. It was a surprisingly normal convo. Phew, no mention of hexes and such truck.
I hate punctuation. It makes everything seem so short and abrupt. I don't mind commas but colons and semi colons and periods make me want to strangle whoever invented them (in the words of that wonderful song Big Rock Candy Mountains, "They hung the jerk who invented work"). Why can't we just live in a land of run-ons and comma splices?! I would much rather write a run-on than a comma splice. Comma splice just sounds extremely painful.
"Doctor what's wrong with her?" 
"I'm sorry mam but her comma spliced. We are going to amputate. I'm afraid she'll never recover"
"NoooooOOOOOooooooo, anything but her comma!!!! How will she survive???!!! Oh the humanity!!!!" 
That is what I imagine every time someone marks a comma splice. In the case of fragments there seems to be hope to reattach the missing piece. Comma splices are always doomed.

Wiggly Piggly and Grocery Feuds

So my family is currently having feuds with half the grocery stores in town. This makes it very difficult to get food. I have to drive across the interstate now if I want some cling wrap! I used to be able to walk down the block! You see, my older sister yelled at an old creepy employee at the local Fondren grocery who was apparently giving me his come hither stare when I wasn't looking. This created a huge scene outside the store. It ended with my sister screming "Stop talkin crazy! I will call the cops!!!" I could have died. The man knows everyone in my family because we USED to be loyal customers there. Now we can't show our faces because we are all afraid we will see this guy, and that would just be awks. It's a nightmare! Oh, then my sister up and moves to texas so she doesn't have to deal with the repercussions her actions caused...
My mother was involved in the next fiasco. While she checked out at Kroger(which is our equivalent to Vons out here) I was told to go hang in the pharmacy till she finished (she didn't want me to get in trouble). I sat there taking my blood pressure on the blood pressure machine, and around the 12th time I realized something was wrong. My daughter senses were tingling. I stood up and sniffed the air "Somethings not right. My mother's in trouble!" Sure enough, I found my mother with steam coming out of her ears. Apparently while I was checking my pressure, the cashier woman was sassin my momma!!! Hold it Shaquonda! She refused to bag my mommas groceries and then threw the next persons groceries on top of ours! When my mother asked for help Shaquonda said "we ain't required to have no baggers" I'll bag you SHAQUONDA!!!! All hell broke out in that kroger I'm tellin ya. Nobody sasses my momma. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about this. So needless to say we can't go to that Kroger anymore, and we are NOT going to piggly wiggly, do I look like white trash to you?

"This Piggly Wiggly truck looks legit"- No One

So now we are forced to travel miles to get a decent squash. What is this world coming to?
It really is a shame though I dearly love the grocery store. I love to walk around and just look at all the cool foods they come up with. I usually put like half the grocery store in my buggy and then decide against it after about 5 mins and sneakily put it on the wrong shelf, not frozen foods though, that would just be mean. I think there is something therapeutic about grocery shopping for me. I get great pleasure out of finding the best deal possible. I have been known to subject my family to single ply because double ply cost .2 more cents per square foot. Money doesn't grow on trees folks! I hate unloading groceries though. Dear goodness that takes all the fun out of grocery shopping.
Today I was forced to go to the grocery store down the street (sho 'nough creeper man was standing outside per usual) so I came up with a solution to my problem. I put on my sketchy black rain coat put the hood up and stuck on my purple sunglasses. Nobody noticed me at all.  It took every ounce of will power not to smirk the whole time I was in there. I did some sketchy stuff while I was in there. I did quick glances around every 10 seconds and would crouch as I walked down aisles and sniff the air. It was too much fun. I may have to do this more often... I'll get back to yall on that...