I went to the coast this past weekend. I did not go to the beach. No, instead my father and I ditched the fam at a fancy pants hotel pool/water park and we high tailed it to Florida. We went to Florida to get scratch off lottery tickets. Thats how cool we are. I splurged a dollar of my own money and won nothing on my card... I mean seriously? The odds on the dollar cards are 1:4.33!!! Do yall know how many of those I have bought in my life??? Not that many, but more that 4.33! I should have won at least 2 or 3 times by now. harumph. My father gave me a 3 dollar one entitled Bingo Night and I won $6!! Holla back girl! I love the names of scratch off cards. My favorite one I've ever gotten was entitled Moo-lah and had cows on it.
After we gambled we went to Bass Bro Shop. I was privy to one of the most hillarious things I've ever heard through my own ears. A lady was sitting in a camoflage lazy boy. She turns to her husband and says "This chair would match our couch." Oh baby.
My uncle informed me my cousins girl-friend has in her bathroom at her house two stuffed bears eating a stuffed moose.
A man just entered cups with a starbucks cup... who does he think he is?
When I was little (actually I still do it) I spent most car rides debating a very important question to myself in my head. If I had to be stick in a store for the rest of my life which store would I choose? At first I thought, hmmm Kroger (the MS equivalent of vons) would be good because it has plenty of food. Then I mentally face palmed. How would I cook the food? So I decided walmart would be the place because they have toaster ovens and what not. They also sell ferrets occasionally, not to mention clothes and computers and music and bicycles and everything you could possibly imagine. However, I realized that Sams Club would be even better because they have everything Wal-Mart has and more! They have tree houses inside and couches and stoves and free samples. This was always a post apocalyptic world where I am the only one left. But someone has to take out the trash and clean the place so it is completely obvious that I would have invisible servants like Psyche has before she looks at Cupid.
I have taken to teaching my wards life lessons. "If you burp and smack your food you will never find a husband" "If you can speak in a British accent at least once a day" "If you can't say something nice go to your room" "Don't gossip in a glass house everyone can see you" "Vanilla is deceiving. I smells good but tastes awful" "Never go to Gunpoint a lot of people get robbed there" "Dont waste food there is a hungry nanny in the kitchen"
I tried out for True Grit my 11th grade year. I got a call back and went and was recorded on a camera and was probably seen by the Cohen brothers. Every time I see the girl who got the part instead of me think of all the things she robbed me of like being chummy with Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, and Jeff Bridges. So, I pretty much hate her.
I scare the cats at my work and get great pleasure out of it. I think the sick one is dying i didnt move when I jumped into the laundry room screaming BOOGA WOOGA. The kitchen at this house has a huge island in the middle of it. One day I will stand on it and dance to the beach boys. Today it was pouring cats and dogs. So I put on my bathing suit and ran around in the street with my wards. We put flip flops in the puddles and raced them. I pretended I was Gene Kelly's female counter part until I stepped on a rock in the middle of a puddle.
Today I entered myself to win the publishers clearing house jackpot. Cross your fingers!
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