ramblins

So here I am in Cups, again. Whatever, it just be like that sometimes. I have officially been sick for the two biggest holidays of 2012. That's right folks I was sick on Easter and then again on Christmas. Christmas was way worse though. Easter left me without a voice and tired beyond belief. Christmas had me in bed thinking I had arthritis all over my body, feverish, hoarse, and with a cough. I skyped some peeps and then watched SIXTEEN episodes of How I Met Your Mother...... I was delusional and feverish kids, ok. Don't judge me. Most of the folks in my family were sick. I'm pretty sure Christmas Lunch was attended by two members of my family. I'm not really sure how I'm up and about and at a coffee shop right now. I guess it was a 24 hour thing. It was a pretty awful 24 hour thing though. I haven't been sick like that since high school. So Christmas was kind of a haze but I got some sweet boots. They're like "pip pip cheerio lets hop on the old sallies and go off on a jolly old fox hunt!" kind of boots. I also got corn nuts (SCORE), and the new Brandi Carlile album "Bear Creek". That is an awesome name for an album of my life.
OH MY GOODNESS. I almost forgot! Les Miserables came out yesterday and it was supposed to be a family outing tomorrow. We were all going to go see it, my family and I. But then everyone caught the plague except two and we didn't get to see it!!! It was probably one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I told everyone that I was going to go see it on Christmas and now my sickness made me a liar. I have to go see it tomorrow. This is not nearly as special. I have been looking forward to this since forever. Ever since I saw the preview, Which made me cry the first 25 times I saw it. (Anne Hathaway sings I Dreamed a Dream like no body's business) So that was awful.
Now I am sitting in Cups drinking chamomile tea and listening to a mix of Frightened Rabbit, Christmas music, and Tchaikovsky. I love Tchaikovsky he is so cool. Russians are the coolest.
News flash I'm currently eavesdropping on two men. One lives off Lankershim in LA and is a struggling actor he waits tables... cliche much struggling actor? He auditioned for a reality tv hosting job of the dirty jobs genera of reality tv. The other guy is a producer who just recently produced something for the travel channel called off the map. He was also in a Life time movie and was going to star in a sit com on fox but his contract was burned due to some sort of internal strife at fox. I should just go up and be like "yo diggity I live in California too! we should be friends and talk about California things like Trader Joe's and granola and surf 'n yogurt. I met Anthony Hopkins. I like your glasses. Nice Sweater. Can I have part of your muffin?" I have a feeling we would hit it off great. I think they've noticed me looking at them. They haven't lowered their voices so clearly they don't care who hears them. They are the loudest people in this whole room its kinda ridiculous. But i hope they don't stop because the wifi is down and I don't really have anything else to do right now. Luckily I had my blag up already before the internet crashed so I am able to eavesdrop and blag at the same time. High five for me.
Ah someone else has just entered the scene I recognize him... I feel like I saw him this summer and for some reason I don't like what I remember... AH he's in Methodist Seminary and he was a total booger to my dad and me once when we were asking him about the the Southern Methodist Bishop election. A family friend was in the running (he won btdubs). But this guy was a total poop and acted like he was soooooo much smarter that us and we were like chill out you protestant hipster doofus.
Producer man is gonna have a party soon maybe he'll invite me! I just found out the actors email and the producer's name is Clifton he has a girlfriend. She's an actress.
There's a girl in the corner wearing a sweater I own! Who does she think she is?!

Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La!!!!!!

It's been a while blagosphere and I'm sorry it's been way too long. For the past few days I have been trying my darndest to get to Cups so I could blog. However surprisingly my days have been very full so I haven't gotten to come here. I know what you're all thinking, WHAT?! Shadynasty's days are filled with dreadfully important things to do? this is not the Shadynasty we remember from the summer! Well it's because I've changed, I had my wisdom teeth out a week ago! I know, I'm never gonna be the same again, its awful, yet, its just what I needed. Actually, no, no one needs to have their jaw cut into and have their teeth ripped out. MY JAW STILL HURTS. But, don't make a big deal out of it or anything. Who invented wisdom teeth????!!! they have no purpose!
I went to wal-mart the other day. It was amazing and completely overwhelming. I thought I was gonna die a few times. I found the Titanic on sale though! I didn't get it though... I saw 12 people I went to High school with at wal-mart, and successfully avoided 6 of them! It is impossible to go to a store in Jackson without running into at least one person you know. I also went to Target it was great I got clothes!
It's Christmas Eve!!!! I love Christmas! this one is gonna be weird though because my big brother and sister both live in Texas now so it's just gonna be me and my parents and my little sisters. Only five people will be home for Christmas.... weird.... I'm completely ashamed but we didn't even get our tree up till yesterday and we haven't even started decorating it till today... oops. But we have egg nog and cinnamon rolls and sausage rolls and 3, that's right, THREE turkeys.               Just let that sink in for a moment                         Don't ask me why we have that many. I have no idea. NO IDEA. Don't worry we are only eating one tomorrow if we even eat half of it, turkeys are huge. I asked my parents if i could make mashed potatoes to go with our Christmas lunch and my parents asked me if I was sick. Apparently only Yankees make mashed potatoes with their big meals. I don't understand. Mashed potatoes are beautiful fluffy things that make everything taste amazing and are what the clouds made of in Unicorn Land (they rain butter). I think Mashed potatoes are for all peoples regardless of nationality (Yankee or confederate). I have a dream that one day I will eat Mashed potatoes at Christmas lunch and no one will care! Who's with me?!
I keep almost falling asleep in the middle of Cups. I'm sitting on a couch that they have which is kinda gross because who know who has been here before. I can't have been the first person to have used this couch. But, what if I am! think about what that would mean! Ok, I just thought about it and it doesn't really mean anything, unless it's a contest where the first person to use it gets 3 wishes from the Couch Genie. The Couch Genie is related to the Birthday Goblin, and the Awesomeness Fairy. More on those later. The Couch Genie is the brother of the Diaper Genie. He's the firstborn son of the Hogfather, which explains why he gets to be the Couch Genie and not the Diaper Genie. He grants wishes to the first person to sit on a couch ever. Futons, day beds, recliner chairs, and bunk beds are not included. His skin is whatever cloth that particular couch is made of and he has crumbs and batteries and remote controller pieces and pacifiers, and half eaten candy in his hair. He is shaped like a potato, but don't mention that to him, he's very sensitive about it.  But, I wasn't the first person to sit on this couch, so it doesn't matter for me, bummer.
Just now i thought I lost everything I had written so far it was the worst feeling in the entire world. I was seriously considering throwing my chamomile tea at leopard print platform stiletto woman across the room from me. I think i might anyway just because she is wearing leopard print platform stilettos in the middle of the day on Christmas Eve with jeans on.......... really lady.......
Alright I have to skedaddle I have no idea what this post is about, its just nonsense. But aren't we all?
MERRY CHRISTMAS EAT MASHED POTATOES!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

Muffins and a Read Through

I used to be a prominent member of the Musical Theatre scene in the Metro-Jackson area. Just kidding, I only ever dabbled in theatre. School stuff mostly with the exception of my one play I did at the only professional theatre company in Mississippi. Thank you thank you very much I was a "modern woman" in Thoroughly Modern Millie Jr. I was great I did the Charleston and acted like a drunk. I didn't have to do much character development. Anyway the reason I am saying this is because there is a huge table full of people doing a read through of a play not 3 feet from me. One member of the group is my old art teacher from elementary school and another one I recognize taught me stage combat at theatre camp. Yes, I went to theatre camp. I love theatre people they are SO dramatic. Let me relate to you some of the snippets I have heard from their conversation.
"And I had like NO saliva in my mouth!" "GASP"
"I have nothing important to say...." (he then looks away and sighs)
"Yeah I have nothing important to say either" (everyone glares at her and is like, oh so original, jenny...)
"Jim, its me..."
"what does ave maria mean?"
At that last comment I completely took my earphones out (nothing was playing. Earphones are my best prop whenever I eavesdrop) and obviously leaned forward trying to hear.
"What is a N.I.C.U.?"
At this point I have despaired at these peoples intelligence
"Are there any drugs in this house?"
"I gave it up"
I'm about to completely check out of this read through. It is not entertaining. I got excited at the drug part but Jim gave it up?! Whats up with that! Come on Jim throw some spice into this play. Oh wait Jim is saying he's in denial over how sick Jeannie is! OH NOW HE'S OPENING A BOX. Let down, it was just a bracelet. OH NO THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO KISS!!!! (the director is reading the stage directions out loud and just read all these really detailed descrpitions about how these two old geezers are supposed to make out on stage) Jim and lisa are really old people in real life. ewwwwwwwwwwwww Lisa has a child in real life whats going on here?! And she has one in the play!!! Everyone knows old people don't kiss. (Except Meryl Streep she kisses a lot for an old lady)
Ok, I just can't listen to these people anymore. This play sounds awful.
I'm now listening to Laura Marling again. I just had coffee with my friend and we seriously just sat there and gushed about Laura Marling's music for like half an hour. Nothing better than a good music gush with a muffin.
Yesterday I went to the local bakery/bistro and bought a muffin for this morning and the lady behind the counter said "oh, like, its a 2 for 1 deal on muffins tonight do you want another one?" She asked me this like it was a legit question, serious expression and all. I was just like, seriously?! This isn't a question lady give me that second muff. Put it in the bag. What planet are you from? Has anyone ever turned you down when you told them that? Does anyone turn down a free muffin? IT'S A MUFFIN for crying out loud!
There is only one complaint I have with this coffee shop. They don't sell lemon poppyseed muffins. They sell blueberry and chocolate chip and some weird bran kind that no one ever buys (I'm convinced that those bran muffins are like five years old bran muffs are the worst) but they never have lemon poppy seed. So, what I do is every now and then I will go buy myself a lemon poppy seed muffin and then sneak it into the coffee shop and hide in the back room and eat it with my coffee.

Meanwhile Back at the Ranch...

So I'm sitting at cups and the wifi is down, so I'm writing all this on the word processor on my computer, whilst listening to a cd my friend sent me! But, the wifi is down… So I'm considering downing this disgusting green tea (Never more quoth me, never more) and walking over to The Sneaky Bean. Its the soups sketch coffee shop around the corner. I've always hated it because I'm like "who do you think you are trying to put up a coffee shop when everyone knows that cups is the best place in the world?!" They also gave me weird looks and got all quiet when I went in there one day. Oh and they serve beer at night and the crowd always looks super sketch whenever I drive past. OH AND their name is the SNEAKY BEAN... I feel like they are probs an underground trafficking place of some sort. Why do they have to be so sneaky? There are usually a bunch of dreadlocked tattooed druggie hipster doofuses hanging out there... What am I thinking?! That sounds like an awesome group to go hang with! If you don't hear from me in a few days I have joined their clan. Wait… I don't have wifi so I can't post this…. Its also a heat index of 104 today so I think it would be better to just stay inside and send hate vibes towards their wifi systerm (I've come to the conclusion that I like to put "r's" into words ex. terxted=texted Hellur=Hello Herro=Hello systerm=system Reginer Sperkterer=Regina Spektor Curps=Cups. You get the point) maybe it will magically heal itself. I guess I could just get up and go and complain but that would involve talking to them and I don't feel like I should be on speaking terms with them since their wifi isn't working
OH MY GOSH!!!!! Guess what happened to me Saturday!!!! I have graduated to the status of Regular here at cups! The other day I walked in and the barista turned to me and went "Hey you!" I almost died (it wasn't the cute one it was just a normal one) I'm a YOU!!!! I'm recognizable! They know me!!! I went and deposited my back pack and went to the counter. Then the barista said and i quote "You gettin a student flavor?" to which I replied "YES. YES I AM!" They know my order!!! I pulled out like every bit of change on my person and dumped it ail into the tip jar. It totally made my day. I finally got my wish. But now they aren't giving me the wifi I deserve so I'm not talking to them anymore.
I guess I could read the Aeneid or something. I do love that book. I'm about to start the chapter entitled "The Passion of The Queen" OooooOOOooo sounds raunchy if you ask me. (I renamed it "The Gumbo Pot Gets Spiced") I can't wait to read the one called "Juno gets served by a fury."  Ok I added served into there, but it sounds so much cooler that way. If Juno went to high school she would be regina george I'm sure.
PRAISE THE LORD ITS BACK I knew it could do it. (the wifi that is)

two days later
The other day I did 1000 jumping jacks and now every time I walk my calves try to make me fall over. Oh, its August now! So that means 15 days till I hit the trail! I should start doing things like packing. I stink at packing. I was once told that I need to take a remedial packing class by a man who looks like tim allen. Once I found a taxidermized cat in my suitcase. I have no idea how that happened. Actually I have an inkling and I plan on bringing about justice for this offense.
Ok, does anybody actually like the flavor Hazelnut, because it is AWFUL if you ask me.

Tornadoes and Women's Vitality

I got up incredibly early this morning and now I am at cups (whoa tiger that was a LOT of sugar you just put in your coffee flavored drink girl! (I say coffee flavored because there is now more sugar and milk than coffee in that cup (also I seriously doubt she actually got coffee she looked like more of a cocomochacookiecrumblecream person))) I am very impressed this morning I was observing some very handsome strangers and then it struck me, we are awake in the wee small hours of the morning and you still managed to look THAT GOOD?!... (Oh sorry attractive man did I just spill my coffee all over you? I guess you will have to take me out to dinner and a movie to pay me back for the coffee I just wasted!) That's more than I can say for myself. I slept with my hair in a bun and now its all like, "I don't care if you want to wear your hair down like a normal person I am going to keep your hair looking like its in a drunk bun even if there isn't a pony tail holder in it" Who grew you hair?! WHO GREW YOU?!
I'm meeting my friends boyfriend today. His name is Kyle. I need to make sure he has a belly button. I plan on hot seating him whenever my friend goes to the bathroom during the dinner date I invited myself to. Kyle is just gonna have to be a third wheel sorry pal. They've been dating for forever they need me to spice things up for them. Maybe I will bring my guitar and serenade them with "smelly cat" to set the mood.
Speaking of cats did I tell yall that nasty cat at work died? Well it did.
There is a group of old men sitting at a table extremely close to where people queue for coffee. I think they like to taunt the customers. I would if I were old and sitting that close to the queue. "You might as well give up. You will never get your coffee. You're wearing THAT while you drink coffee? It's your funeral... CHUG CHUG CHUG. Do you need me to take your keys? Your shoelaces are untied."
Taunting is the best if it were an Olympic sport I would be the leading contender. I got most school spirit 2 non-consecutive years in school, the year in between I got class clown... I don't know why they voted me that... I never did anything funny in class. Anyway, most school spirit translates to loudest heckler at school sporting events. I was forcibly removed from games. Volleyball is no joke ok! I don't care if you're "supposed to be quite when the other team serves" do you think they're going to be quiet at the olympics? doubt it.
A guy with a doctor who? shirt on just sat next to me, he derf is not impressing me with an ability to be attractive in the morning.
I spy a fanny pack!

3 Days Later

WHEW I just got an americano and I am Wired with a capital double you. So is it weird to watch movies on your lap top in a coffee shop? I'm going to go ahead and say yes it is so I won't do that.  I've started tweeting again but I refuse to tell anyone what my name is because there are tweets on there from senior year and they're really stupid/embarrassing
Oh so I found this new trail mix that they sell in bulk at The Fresh Market, which is like a wannabe Whole Foods Market, it's called "Womens Vitality Mix." It has pumpkin seeds and almonds and dark chocolate chips and dried prunes and cherries and sunflower seeds! So when I met Kyle, I didn't really know what to say, and the first thing that popped out of my mouth was "Sorry if I reek of Women's Vitality I just ate a bag of it." Oh yeah, true story.
Of course seeing as the meeting ended up being semi awkward cause we didn't really know what to say my friend started relating embarrassing stories about things I "supposedly" screamed during tornado alerts.

In case it isn't common knowledge Mississippi is in the Bible Belt, but an even less known fact is that we are also in the TORNADO BELT "thunder crashes in background and tornado siren goes off" So what they do is they train you at a very young age (holy CABOOSES im pretty sure James Van Der Beek's twin just walked in, on second thought no and if he is he derf got the short end of the gene pole) with the essentials of Tornado survival 1) find a room slash hallway with no windows B)find a rickety metal set of lockers to crouch next too 3) cover your neck and pray. The above video is from my senior year. This is the day where I "supposedly" screamed weird things, whatever...

A Maelstrom of Fannypacks

Well hello strangers. I am doing something unprecedented. I am sitting in Barnes and Noble blagging. What?! I need some fresh faces to people watch. Plus I already spent a considerable amount of time at cups today. I'll go back later once the shift changes. Today I discovered two new words that I didn't even realize were real words or fake words till I read them in a beautiful book I'm reading. 1st word of the day Afflatus- A divine creative impulse or inspiration. Did you know that was a word?! I have a friend who has a board on pintrest and it is titled Afflatus. But I thought she made it up cause she's awesome and makes up cool words a lot. But, she didn't make this one up. At first I was dissapointed, then I was like wait this word is amazing... my friend is so cool cause she knows this awesome word!
The next word is Maelstrom- A powerful whirlpool in the sea or a river (a mythical whirlpoop (that is the best typo I have ever had the privilege to typo so it stays)  supposed to exist in the arctic ocean, west of Norway) Holy cabooses!!!! What an awesome word! How I am going to sneak this into day to day conversation I have no idea. I also have no on earthly idea how in the great cosmos to pronounce it... Oh well that is the fun of new words. I thought facade was said with a hard c for the longest time. Nope. Gee it sounds so nice with the hard c. I thought "album" was "albLum" which is how it should be said if you ask me. I say it the right way when I'm not talking to myself in my head. But, it is said very deliberately. If you ever hear me say it you can be sure that I am making very sure that I say it without the L.  Anyway sorry I got you caught up in that maelstrom of... nope too forced. (I also can't come up with a word to describe the past 2 or 3 sentences.) I will find a way don't you worry.There is a woman across from me who is actually writing with a huge flower pen. To my right there is an old man eating a bagel and drinking nantucket apple juice whilst wearing a tweed fedora with feathers poking out of it very Dr. Doolittle, not to be confused with Eliza Doolittle I'm pretty sure she wasn't a doctor and I'm pretty sure she didn't wear fedoras. Nook tablet for dummies is on sale they should sell "Dummie Books for Dummies" telling all the dummies in the world what dummie books they should purchase if they don't want to be called a dummie anymore. I think the internet just went out here at B&N and by the tragic look on the face of the hipster in front of me i would say yes it has. Oh there it goes! its back on again!! Fear not hipster man all is well on the blagoblogesphere. I hear that's what the young kids are calling it these days. I want a fanny pack. I feel like I need a change maybe I'll get bangs or maybe I will get a fanny pack. They are both pretty big changes but I think it would be good for me. I've been so snippy lately. (I know its hard to believe, me? snippy? get out of town! get off the stage! shut the front door! drop the anchor! pull in the sails! avast the brigands! (that's a saying right?) swab the deck! do the stanky leg! hem your pants! guard the cellar! drop it like its hot! burn the hatches!) I don't know what it is but I've been nipping everything in the bud lately. I need an attitude adjustment or a fanny pack either one will do. No, actually only the fanny pack will do. If you would like to donate to the "Find Me a Fannypack Fund" just send me money. (I made fannypack one word so that I could have my alliteration)

Fa

I'm convinced my wards probably secretly think I'm crazy. I'm sitting in their living room right now in the lazy boy watching pride and predjudice (I don't believe that it is spelled without a d. That is how I say it so that is how I spell it) whilst simultaneously downing pumpkin spice coffee and stalking people on facebook. I make good money for what I do, if you consider what I'm doing actually doing something. I have all next week off paid vacation. Wait i typed that wrong. I have all next week off, unpaid... They told me that like they were giving me a gift... 
This coffee is doing weird things to me. I'm looking at pictures of friends and cracking up then mid way through I tear up and sob while imagining amazing reunion scenes. I have so many good ones. A field of flowers is usually necessary but I realize those are out of stock in some places now so I have come up with other scenes just in case. But any way, the laugh/cry is whats making me paranoid. Those kids already think I'm strange they don't need to think I'm psychotic on top of that. In the middle of one of my life lessons the other day the littlest just went "you're weird". Gee, thanks. Well you hide food under your bed so go pick your nose somewhere you little snot. Just kidding I didn't say that. I gave her my crazy eyes and then continued talking about sharing or body hair or something silly like that. Today I got up at 4:45 for work. Just kidding that was when my alarm went off in reality I got up at five. I feel so proud of myself when I get up early. "Because Getting up is really hard."- Z. Deschanel (she's the best)
P&P is the best. It had me laughing out loud today. Those two youngest sisters Kitty and Lydia have me guffawing (does that word make anyone else think of a giraffe rolling around on the ground whilst laughing?)
I have been listening to spotify for a while now and it has frozen!!! It's been acting up on me I sent grievance reports for a while when it would ask me to after it froze. The reports were very polite and then after like th 10th one in a single day I went berzerk! they started saying things like "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP FREEZING G DANGIT" "SOS (SAVE OUR SPOTIFY)" "I will kill this worm if you dont fix spotify!!!!" "It's dead you nature killers" I guess they took me seriously its only frozen on me twice today.
I'm currently watching bugs bunny holla back girl I love bugs. Once I got a bugs bunny stuffed animal and then my family lost it on a road trip to Alabama. True story.
I ironed my shorts and starched them sunday.
Sometimes music comes on and I really have to restrain myself from dancing and just smiling extremely big. Moneygrabber is just doin it for me right now! (I'm in cups now btdubs I left work like 4 1/2 hours ago (I was forced to watch a super cheesy movie about girls basketball before I could come to cups...))
The workers at this Cups are all so eclectic, tatooed, and hipster weird but awesome at the same time that when I go to other cups around the Metro-Jackson area and the workers are mediocre normal boring people I freak out. I just want to yell at them "This isn't cups!!!! you sit on a throne of lies!!!! And you smell like soup!"
So sometimes I get out to the suburbs early on my way to work so I pull off to this parking lot next to pizza inn and I ponder. Problem is my car has recently decided it hates to crank unless you tickle it and cry into the exhaust tank simultaneously. So I will look down realize its time to quit pondering and get to work and then my car refuses to crank. Then the death clock starts ticking. Every second  brings me closer to work time and I'm stuck by pizza inn. That's what I get for pondering

decaf? what was I thinking...

Once again I am in front of the window. I am convinced the coffee shop workers just watch and judge me based on what I do on my computer. YES I am stalking this person for the bajillionth time got a problem with it!? Today cute coffee shop guy and I had a connection. He asked me how I was doing, and then we met eyes and smiled after I took my decaf (I need to sleep when I get home ok (the people next to me are talking about catfish po-boys)) from him. I aintuhlyin, ask him if you don't believe me. Today was Sunday Funday at my house. We set my bro up an e-harmony account (I'm not sure if he went through with it I will have to ask him). It was pretty funny, apparently at his work his female co-worker's have a bunch of nurse friends who are on e-harmony. So, he needs to be on it too, apparently. I wish very dearly I could tell yall about something that happened to me the other day. But, I can't write about it. Yall will have to ask me about it if you want to know. It's pretty juicy. But anyway, e-harmony apparently asks you to rate yourself on all sorts of things like attractiveness, whether or not you are a dominant or submissive personality, and if you are kind. Kind of what? I told my brother to put that he is the kind of guy who likes icing on his cake. He didn't. He said that he is "very." I left mid way through to go on a bike ride. Last night I went on a night bike ride in the rain with my mass clothes on. It was the most amazing thing in the world. Today I went with the intent of going up as many hills as I could. It was grueling. Then I came home and I took a shower. Next my brother and I went to the store to get barbecue stuff. We had to take my car so I made him listen to Laura Marling the whole time because he always forces me to listen to his garbage country music. He was such a baby about it too. He complained the whole way there, and back. I thought he was in a better mood once we agreed on the marinade for the chicken but noooooooo, once the music came on he got all crabby again. So we got home and then we started grilling and it suddenly became peachy again. We sat and tried to make our ears wiggle (he can wiggle his left one I can't wiggle at all). I recently discovered an old canteen of mine so I have only been drinking out of it. My mother came outside and saw me downing my water and demanded that I let her smell what was in my canteen... seriously... Of course it was water so then my brother and I just laughed and tried to wiggle our ears some more (sometimes I like to pretend my belt is a snake I trained to keep my pants up)
I went to see Brave for the second time and it made me cry a second time. I also saw a guy who liked me a lot my senior year and he was with his girlfriend, and she was holding him and they were snuggling and what not and it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen so my friend and I sat in front of them so we could keep an eye out to see if they started doing anything more than snuggling if you know what I mean. They didn't.
My little sister was in a play this past weekend. The Little Mermaid Jr. It was pretty scandy if you ask me (if that girl screamlaughs one more time....). They were shimmy shamba-ing all over the place and encourging all sorts of nonsense. I'm pretty sure Sebastian was gay. My little sister did an amazing job, of course. You could hear her singing over Flounder (thank goodness). The story was very weak though. It was nothing like the movie.  (Alright I need to leave that girl is killing the vibe and this decaf is making me angry)

Tid Bits and

I went to the coast this past weekend. I did not go to the beach. No, instead my father and I ditched the fam at a fancy pants hotel pool/water park and we high tailed it to Florida. We went to Florida to get scratch off lottery tickets. Thats how cool we are. I splurged a dollar of my own money and won nothing on my card... I mean seriously? The odds on the dollar cards are 1:4.33!!! Do yall know how many of those I have bought in my life??? Not that many, but more that 4.33! I should have won at least 2 or 3 times by now. harumph. My father gave me a 3 dollar one entitled Bingo Night and I won $6!! Holla back girl! I love the names of scratch off cards. My favorite one I've ever gotten was entitled Moo-lah and had cows on it.
After we gambled we went to Bass Bro Shop. I was privy to one of the most hillarious things I've ever heard through my own ears. A lady was sitting in a camoflage lazy boy. She turns to her husband and says "This chair would match our couch." Oh baby.
My uncle informed me my cousins girl-friend has in her bathroom at her house two stuffed bears eating a stuffed moose.
A man just entered cups with a starbucks cup... who does he think he is?
When I was little (actually I still do it) I spent most car rides debating a very important question to myself in my head. If I had to be stick in a store for the rest of my life which store would I choose? At first I thought, hmmm Kroger (the MS equivalent of vons) would be good because it has plenty of food. Then I mentally face palmed. How would I cook the food? So I decided walmart would be the place because they have toaster ovens and what not. They also sell ferrets occasionally, not to mention clothes and computers and music and bicycles and everything you could possibly imagine. However, I realized that Sams Club would be even better because they have everything Wal-Mart has and more! They have tree houses inside and couches and stoves and free samples. This was always a post apocalyptic world where I am the only one left. But someone has to take out the trash and clean the place so it is completely obvious that I would have invisible servants like Psyche has before she looks at Cupid.
I have taken to teaching my wards life lessons. "If you burp and smack your food you will never find a husband" "If you can speak in a British accent at least once a day" "If you can't say something nice go to your room" "Don't gossip in a glass house everyone can see you" "Vanilla is deceiving. I smells good but tastes awful" "Never go to Gunpoint a lot of people get robbed there" "Dont waste food there is a hungry nanny in the kitchen"
I tried out for True Grit my 11th grade year. I got a call back and went and was recorded on a camera and was probably seen by the Cohen brothers. Every time I see the girl who got the part instead of me think of all the things she robbed me of like being chummy with Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, and Jeff Bridges. So, I pretty much hate her.
I scare the cats at my work and get great pleasure out of it. I think the sick one is dying i didnt move when I jumped into the laundry room screaming BOOGA WOOGA. The kitchen at this house has a huge island in the middle of it. One day I will stand on it and dance to the beach boys. Today it was pouring cats and dogs. So I put on my bathing suit and ran around in the street with my wards. We put flip flops in the puddles and raced them. I pretended I was Gene Kelly's female counter part until I stepped on a rock in the middle of a puddle.
Today I entered myself to win the publishers clearing house jackpot. Cross your fingers!

This is my Facade

I am writing this right now so that everyone behind me doesn't realize that I could literally sit here for hours and only get on pintrest. I'm sitting outside on the patio of cups because it is the perfect summers day in Mississippi for sitting outside. It is overcast and about to rain and slightly windy. It's perfect. But, as I said I am sitting in front of the window which means everyone passing by is able to see my computer screen... so, I need to pretend like I am doing something extremely important and pressing. To help with the facade I just picked up my planner and rifled through it like it is filled with important notes about my pretend internship at the pretend hospital where I pretend I go and save lives daily, and not filled with blank pages (like it actually is). It does have some mail sticking out of it and a sheet of stamps and some blank post cards but other than that it is pretty pathetic. When I was in high school I had the most amazing planner that was filled with amazing plans and notes to myself. Things like "Don't forget to get aluminum foil," "You go girl!," "Last semester rocked keep it up!!!," "Oh my gosh you made honor roll!!!! Holla back girl!!! You've never done that before!!!" (The me who lived in my planner could be quite cruel with her humor at times) I had awesome quotes from people in my classes that I had written down, and some random quotes from Abe Link. It was the best. It was so close to my heart I took it to college, where I never looked at it. Anyway, there is one thing on the planner for this week. (Drum roll puhleazzze) Vacation!!!! I'm going down to Fairhope, Alabama! It will be my grandmother's 89th birthday tomorrow!!! I will go to the beach, get sun burnt, and hang out with my awesome Italian family (I know its completely obvious I'm Italian, but I felt like I needed to say it just in case there was any doubt). There is family drama guaranteed. How could there not be? I will keep y'all up to date on any spectacular tidbits I happen to witness. It's strange to think about, but statistically my older siblings and I are the most likely to get married next out of the grandchildren. Of course neither of my older siblings are going to be able to make this gathering, so I will receive the full brunt of all questioning concerning any marriage prospects. I usually come back with extremely smart and witty answers to shoot right back though. Once while shopping with my uncle I was asked where my boyfriend likes to shop. To which I replied "No place in particular... Where does your boyfriend like to shop?" Bahahahaha I crack myself up. 
Ships in the night this cute guy who drove up caught me starring at him like ten different times. I am anything but suave. Oh my goodness a girl I went to public elementary school with just came in!!! Ah!! hide me! I stopped being friends with her in like 6th grade when she told me she liked to practice voodoo and offered to mix a potion for me... She just talked to me. It was a surprisingly normal convo. Phew, no mention of hexes and such truck.
I hate punctuation. It makes everything seem so short and abrupt. I don't mind commas but colons and semi colons and periods make me want to strangle whoever invented them (in the words of that wonderful song Big Rock Candy Mountains, "They hung the jerk who invented work"). Why can't we just live in a land of run-ons and comma splices?! I would much rather write a run-on than a comma splice. Comma splice just sounds extremely painful.
"Doctor what's wrong with her?" 
"I'm sorry mam but her comma spliced. We are going to amputate. I'm afraid she'll never recover"
"NoooooOOOOOooooooo, anything but her comma!!!! How will she survive???!!! Oh the humanity!!!!" 
That is what I imagine every time someone marks a comma splice. In the case of fragments there seems to be hope to reattach the missing piece. Comma splices are always doomed.

Wiggly Piggly and Grocery Feuds

So my family is currently having feuds with half the grocery stores in town. This makes it very difficult to get food. I have to drive across the interstate now if I want some cling wrap! I used to be able to walk down the block! You see, my older sister yelled at an old creepy employee at the local Fondren grocery who was apparently giving me his come hither stare when I wasn't looking. This created a huge scene outside the store. It ended with my sister screming "Stop talkin crazy! I will call the cops!!!" I could have died. The man knows everyone in my family because we USED to be loyal customers there. Now we can't show our faces because we are all afraid we will see this guy, and that would just be awks. It's a nightmare! Oh, then my sister up and moves to texas so she doesn't have to deal with the repercussions her actions caused...
My mother was involved in the next fiasco. While she checked out at Kroger(which is our equivalent to Vons out here) I was told to go hang in the pharmacy till she finished (she didn't want me to get in trouble). I sat there taking my blood pressure on the blood pressure machine, and around the 12th time I realized something was wrong. My daughter senses were tingling. I stood up and sniffed the air "Somethings not right. My mother's in trouble!" Sure enough, I found my mother with steam coming out of her ears. Apparently while I was checking my pressure, the cashier woman was sassin my momma!!! Hold it Shaquonda! She refused to bag my mommas groceries and then threw the next persons groceries on top of ours! When my mother asked for help Shaquonda said "we ain't required to have no baggers" I'll bag you SHAQUONDA!!!! All hell broke out in that kroger I'm tellin ya. Nobody sasses my momma. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about this. So needless to say we can't go to that Kroger anymore, and we are NOT going to piggly wiggly, do I look like white trash to you?

"This Piggly Wiggly truck looks legit"- No One

So now we are forced to travel miles to get a decent squash. What is this world coming to?
It really is a shame though I dearly love the grocery store. I love to walk around and just look at all the cool foods they come up with. I usually put like half the grocery store in my buggy and then decide against it after about 5 mins and sneakily put it on the wrong shelf, not frozen foods though, that would just be mean. I think there is something therapeutic about grocery shopping for me. I get great pleasure out of finding the best deal possible. I have been known to subject my family to single ply because double ply cost .2 more cents per square foot. Money doesn't grow on trees folks! I hate unloading groceries though. Dear goodness that takes all the fun out of grocery shopping.
Today I was forced to go to the grocery store down the street (sho 'nough creeper man was standing outside per usual) so I came up with a solution to my problem. I put on my sketchy black rain coat put the hood up and stuck on my purple sunglasses. Nobody noticed me at all.  It took every ounce of will power not to smirk the whole time I was in there. I did some sketchy stuff while I was in there. I did quick glances around every 10 seconds and would crouch as I walked down aisles and sniff the air. It was too much fun. I may have to do this more often... I'll get back to yall on that...

Barista Boys, and Diners

Well dog my cats this, is, embarrassing. So I came to here to cups at like 2, then I left a little after 3 to go get my mother and little sister from the pool. I dropped them off at the house and ran in to take a shower and ended up changing my clothes as well. (I promise this is all very important) Of course I hadn't accomplished all that I wanted to accomplish at cups so I left the house to go back. Now, I am back at cups, with wet hair, a completely new outfit, and the exact same baristas as before... I did my best to be sneaky. I kept my sunglasses on as I slinked in (so as not to draw much attention), and did my best not to make eye contact with them because now it is obvious that the baristas are going to think I have no life! Which is totally false! Just last night I hung out with a friend! and two weeks before that I walked my cat and waved at the neighbors! I'm a high flying socialite I tell you. You would be hard pressed to find someone more active socially than me here in Jackson.

It's really a shame that they think this about me now. I did so badly wish to impress the barista boy. I have a slight crush on him. He is very cute. Once he gave me a cups points card that a customer had left behind and it had four dollars in points on it, sigh, that's when it all started. Everyday that I see him in here I smile and order my student coffee. Like seriously though, you'd think that after almost two months of me ordering the exact same thing that he would try to take this relationship a little farther by asking me if I want the usual instead of asking me what I want everyday. I have always very much wanted to be so much of a regular customer at a place that the employees are on a first name basis with me, refer to my order as the usual, ask me where I get my clothing, and discuss the latest season of Sherlock with me every time I come in. I guess I am just too cold and uninviting for baristas to want to engage in that kind of banter with me, sigh. One day I will fulfill my dream of working in a seedy diner in the middle of no where, and I will make sure I get to know all my regular customers! That would be the most amazing adventure, wouldn't it?! I would smack my gum, put a bow in my hair, wear an apron, tease the truckers who come through at midnight for a cupa joe and talk either like I'm from the bronx or Rolling Fork, Mississippi (I haven't decided which accent would be best to scream "WHO ORDERED THE HEART ATTACK" in). I think it is all the prairie home companion I listen to that planted this dreamin my brain. Hopefully I will live in a trailer park during this adventure. Take that back, I do not have the desire to live in a trailer park... ever. I will try and find an old maid who's looking to rent her flat over the garage so she can get some money to pay for her cat Whisker's cancer treatment. Now THAT would be the cherry on top of my dream. I promise if I ever reach this dream I blog about it regularly. If I can't find a diner or an old lady I like I guess Waffle House and a duplex will have to suit me.

Question of the day: Should I do a video blog post?
Answer of the day: Mutual I'm sure

Rants and Hairy Tongues

GAHUHLEE! I was having a wonderful, beautiful, relatively peaceful day, and then I got in my car THAT DOES NOT HAVE A WORKING AIR CONDITIONER in the 100 degree weather. I screamed in pain upon sitting down in my car, (I had shorts on) so I had to place a dress I had lying around in the car between me and the seat because I would have gotten 3rd degree burns, that is how hot it was. So then everything went fine for a while, as my wards and I drove to the YMCA for a swim meet. I was using my GPS to get directions. I HATE GPS'S!!!! That machine of the devil took me all around podunk Brandon, Mississippi. Add Brandon to the list of things I hate, please. I ended up at a dead end with cows, I got trapped in a gated neighborhood, I scraped the bottom of my car on camoflaged speed bumps (who camoflages speed bumps you ask? Rednecks with a capital R thank you very much), and one of my little girls cracked mid way through our hour and a half car trip and laughed hysterically for ten mins. Hell is an endless car ride through brandon in 100 degree heat with hungry tired thirsty children in the backseat.
So we finally found the Y. I pulled in so upset I didn't even notice I double parked till I left. We were late of course so all the shady spots were taken... So I sat in the sun about five mins then quickly relocated to the shade of a lonely trashcan. I huddled behind it whimpering and trying to find my happy place. I had to take my little girl to the bathroom at one point and PRAISE THE LORD the bathroom had air conditioning. I think I stayed in there close to ten mins just chilling not even minding the filth around me. I was in a state of happiness only a working air conditioner can take a person too. I was suddenly a kind, well tempered rational being again, till I left the bathroom. I then lost all grip on sanity and went back to southern survival mode. If you ever encounter 100 degree heat, drenching humidity and you are stuck outside follow these directions:

1. Find. shade. fast.
2. Be as still as possible, try everything in your power not to move, excpet to do number 7
3. Find anything, ANYTHING you can turn into a fan
4. Turn said thing into a fan
5. Fan yourself
6. Under no circumstance will you touch anyone, touching passes heat, you will be coolest alone, everyone must fend for themselves in this death sauna they call Mississippi
7. Drink Ice Tea or water in massive quantities

If you can do all those things you might survive.
So today I received an e-mail from Web MD I unfortunately I didn't read the subject line. The inside of the e-mail said "You think cold sores are bad? What about black hairy tongue?" Web MD strikes again... add that to my list of fears. Now, I don't know which would be worse having it or knowing people with it. Nope I do know, having it, having it is worse, much worse, goodness gracious.
I want to star in an infomercial or at least be one of the people on the cooking ones who gets to try all the food they make. How does one go about starring in an infomercial?

CowMEN, Escalators, and Possums

I've been extremely busy as of late. I have recently rediscovered the beauty of the western film. I say western and not cowboy movie because not all westerns have cowboys (plus come on, cowBOY? Every one can see they are men) in them. So the western has become my go to movie genre these past few weeks. Lonesome Dove is a wonderful movie AND it stars Tommy Lee Jones, and Robert Duvall. (HA-CHA-CHA) Everything is good and right in the world when those two are in the saddle ready to save damsels from the evil clutches of Comanches and the like, sigh. So this movie coupled with my recent viewing of Men in Black III (which I now kinda want to see again) made me want to see No Country for Old Men. Netflix promptly delivered it. I just have to say, GOOD MOVIE!!! and it totally counts as a western seeing as it is set in texass. It inspired me to start reading the book. So I stopped reading Abe Linc Vamp Hunter, (dont everyone try and convince me to finish it first! I know its a classic but Cormac McCarthy calls me!) and now I am reading NCFOM. Its really good. It's not a field of flowers but its good.

I went to the mall yesterday.... I had to get shoes, ok. I got my new sandals from Belk. Belk is the department store that took over the locally owned department store McRae's. Because of this we all despised Belk for the longest time, and I STILL do. However, when you enter Northpark Mall you lose all sense of reason and enter the closest department store so you can get out before you catch some fatal disease only transmitted via Mall escalators. (A guy just walked into the coffee shop with a hollister shirt on that says Southern California and super gay sunglasses. I want to stand up and scream HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN TO CALIFORNIA???!!! and then tell him to go burn his shirt.) I am deathly afraid of escalators. I ride them out of necessity only. I never know when I should step onto them! My whole life I was told completely true stories of red headed little girls whose shoes were untied and got caught in the escalators and were killed because they couldn't get loose from the teeth of the escalator! Oh, and if you are a 10 year old with your brand new purple crocs on don't think you are safe! Shawanda at the jewelry counter in Belk will tell you stories of crocs and escalators that will make you scream for your mother. Seriously though, what about the edge of an escalator stair looks safe? I never like to stand near people on them. I always imagine someone stumbling and grabbing me for support thus sending me flying and impaling me on the stairs. So I beg you to never stand near me on an escalator. I can assure you even if I look calm, I am having a mini panic attack inside.
http://www.consumerwatch.com/workplacepublic/escalators
But, anyway the mall disgusts me. I saw a completely gaudy store, but it was huge, so I thought "hmmm, they might have some cheap dress-code clothing!" As I approached the store I was hit with the overwhelming smell of antiseptic covering the smell of vomit (probably from the escalator disease). I hightailed it out of there. I guess I'm going to have to go to the store with the prayer request book in the fitting rooms. Yes, that is actually a store. People write their prayer requests in this book in the middle of a fitting room. The prayer requests tend to be very detailed and usually say things like "I want to pray for Jenny Beth Lynn from Madison, MS she recently got beat up by her boyfriend Johnny Ray Stevens from Clinton, MS but she wont leave him." When I saw this I wanted to scream. Seriously?! Seiously?! What if Jenny Beth sees this?! What if people know Jenny Beth?! Now everyone knows Jenny Beth's business! Oh, Mississippi...
My father just informed me he is going to write an article on Possums. Specifically, tales of people eating possums. http://www.tngenweb.org/tntable/possum.htm

Fruit In My Hair

I'm surrounded by attractive men and they are all staring at their computer or each other... Today I got in line to order my drink while standing behind the local Josh Lucas look-a-like, I'm pretty sure he's a med student, ha-cha-cha. I think he got a hair cut and new shoes. Those shoes were just too blue to be anything other than new. As usual I just pretended like I was absorbed in the seasonal drink specials. OoooOooo zebra mocha.... interesting.... We said nothing to each other. We could both sense the vibes though I'm sure.
I cleaned out the underneath of a bed today where I nanny and then walked around for an hour with a half decayed mandarin orange slice hanging from my pony-tail. How does that even happen?! I didn't roll around underneath there! I slid in and out. There were whole wrapped Twinkies under this bed and a large decaying peach. I made the little girl remove the peach just in case there were glowing green worms in it or anything that might transform me into claymation with a bunch of bugs.
So, I went to see Snow White and the Huntsman. I'm not entirely sure what I think about it. It was entertaining, but realistic? I don't think so. Seriously who just goes around kissing supposedly dead maidens? Well ladies and gentlemen, not just one but TWO different guys in this movie. Seriously? Seriously. I mean they didn't have amazing embalming processes back then... and one of those kisses was extremely post mortem... and that's all I'm gonna say about that.
I have also started watching Seinfeld recently. I mean I had always watched it with my parents when I was little but I am branching out and watching it without my parentals. I find it extremely rewarding. I admire Elaine very much, and have decided I need to speak my mind more, and not be afraid to tell people off. Because, even if it is stressful at the time it will more than likely be a good story to tell.

BUMDUMDADADADADA Its time for my new segment: Kids Say the Darndest Things!
This episode is featuring advice about boys and experiences from their own love lives by my darling wards aged 6 and 9.

• No, no, you are wrong. Boys are always stupid. Well, except our dads cause they go through high school and college.
• Smart boys are good cause they will do your homework.
• He asked me out... in computer class... (This one speaking here is 6) I wonder if he will ask me out next year? I would say no, he's gross.
• All boys like me (the 6 year old again)
• I hate when they say "hey baby whatsup" ewwwww
• A guy asked me out... over the phone... (6)
• Make sure you meet his mother!
• Don't pick out a wedding cake on the first date.
• No kissing with music.

So as of late I have been tanning. Except every time I do it I fall asleep. I feel like that doesn't usually happen. I also have bad experiences with falling asleep while tanning. I get burnt (thanks a lot San Buenaventura!!!(on a completely unrelated note I just took my vitamin c and it was sta-rong!!! Kinda made my eyes water. Is that norms? (Its very powdery))). My mouth starts to open as I tan on my back and I start to drift asleep. Then I start to get self-conscious because I am at pool and all. (My left arm is starting to spaz is that norms?!) So then I turn over to tan the other side then I fall dead asleep but jerk awake randomly because I don't want to burn plus I feel like at any moment my open mouth and snores could attract unwanted attention by any number of little boys, life guards, or bugs. Its so hard to tan sometimes I just don't want to do it. But, I SHALL MARCH ON (or rather lie on) because I want that sun-kissed Mississippi look on more than just my neck.

Weak Coffee and Car Fixin

I feel like an empowered woman right now. I am at the car fix place location, and I am getting my car doctored up! I have no idea what came out of the guys mouth at the counter. I just nodded and said things like "oil change," "transmission," "air conditioner," "tire," "I don't have stick shift," "can I have that muffin?," "Do I physically have to have my coupon or can we just show some trust.... (I quickly glance at his name tag on his button down blue striped mechanic shirt) Eric?"
Well news flash you have to have a coupon in your hand, and no i can't have that muffin. So I'm sitting by a tire display listening to the new Regina Spektor CD and blagging. I refuse to sit with everyone else in the waiting area. They do not look warm and inviting. They are all watching a history channel special on alligator hunters... No thank you. I heard a snippet of their conversation while trying to decide where to sit. "Wowww... they must be true Cajuns..." This was said in a tone of sickening adoration. At that point i quickly looked for an alternative and found my deliverance in the form of a chair by a tire display. It is advertising their American Freedom Plan. How lovely. If you don't hear from me in three weeks I have passed out from the fumes of the tires at the car fix place location. I hope I can post this before I pass out otherwise no one will find me except the Cajun worshipers.... Gah-uh-lee people THINK FOR YOURSELVES!
So I've pulled the wool over the eyes of the workers here at this car thing location. They only give you teeny tiny white Styrofoam cups to put the complimentary coffee in. I'm talking about smaller than the commons cups, smaller than the little white funnel paper cups. So I brought my large mug that I am currently in love with and sat there for a good two minutes pumping coffee into my cup very satisfied with myself. Take that Eric, muffin dream saboteur.

Haiku's from the Car Place

Dear Eric you did

not let me have that muffin

Well I don't like you

These tires smell like

rubber cement and apples

JK I'm a liar

They actually smell

The way that new tires smell...

like fruit and cement

let me out of here

I'm starting to feel light head-

ed. This coffee's weak

I will die here soon

buried in the tire graveyard

And Eric will gloat

What is trust, Eric?

These haikus are truly bad

I could use a drink

What am I doing here?! I should be fixing a turban or defrosting my refrigerator instead! (unless my fridge looks like this! 

In that case I wouldn't need to defrost!) According to some English man this is what our fridges will look like in 2050. (I feel extremely awkward right now. Eric is showing a tire on my tire display to a business man, and I'm just here tip-typin away. WELL TAKE THAT ERIC!)

Well spoiler alert I survived the vehicular fixy place (they informed me that to fix my air conditioning I would have to pay $1118.00!!! (once again I find myself in the predicament of not having capital numbers to emphasize my point) Who do they think they are? do they have the rights to cool air? I don't think so! (please see The Beatles song "Taxman" it is extremely apropo to this situation) So, now I am at my coffee shop about to make some n3p CD mix tapes. I will also happily end my day coloring. That's right its been a good day for the most part. I got new jeans. So, I shall treat myself with some good old fashioned coloring while I listen to Jonah and the Ark (GET IT???!!! cuz of Bible stories).

Ghosts and Suburban Drama

So today I was at my extremely stressful and trying job, nannying, and the little girls were hearing knocking noises behind them in the walls. The littlest, who scares very easily, gets extremely freaked out. I told her it was probably just the air-conditioning. This does not ease her mind. When I leggo her eggo we heard it again. She freaked. I told her to calm down, that it was probably a squirrel outside and then I proceeded to fiddle around on my laptop. Next thing I know she is knocking all over the breakfast bar with her fist.
"What are you doing???" I demanded
"I'm trying to contact the spirits"she retorted, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, with a role of her eyes.
Today I got to go to a swim meet. If you ever want to be hot, sticky, feel extremely tense, and gossip with ticked off rich white women, THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE.
Oh hell naw! The swim coach isn't even here yet?! Is this a joke?! Where is a sharpie?! I need to write my childs name on their shoulder blade! Oh shoot, that's Chase's poop face! CHASE, IF YOU POOP IN THAT POOL!!! My child better get to swim backstroke, we have good backs in my family, the best!
Such were the exclamations at the Riverhills Country Club Swim Meet. I sat in the shade reading Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, as well as the latest copy of In Style. Every now and then I would lean over to Mrs. Addie Tude and just say, "Is the coach still not here yet?" That would set her off again.
The best part of the whole swim meet though was when the ghost whisperer came in first in her heat. That little girl half doggie paddled, with no goggles, in a pink frilly suit, while glancing over to see if she was winning the whole time, and she STILL won. I stood on the other end screaming YOU GO GIRL! SWIM, SWIM, SWIM!!! YOU. ARE. WINNING!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!!! I got an adrenaline rush watching this extremely slow, freestyle, 5-7 year old swim race. It was amazing. I have never been so proud of child in my life. I had all the moms I had gossiped with rooting for my little girl too. She got out and they handed her the 1st place in the heat ribbon and I'm telling you Mrs. Phelps wasn't prouder than I was. Ok actually she probs was. I mainly wanted to go taunt the other children and rub it in their faces that they lost. I had to leave at that point though. Their mother had gotten there.

Number one question I get about California: So...um... how's the... (whispered) Mary Jane out there?

Dinner Theater and Parenthetical Phrases

It's been a while since I've been back in the coffee shop. Two days too long. Unfortunately I did not get to blog the last time I was here. I was busy writing post-cards instead. Those times were pretty interesting...
In the time elapsed since our last meeting I have fallen in love. There is an actor who comes to the coffee shop to practice his lines. He is just too preposterous for him to exist in real life (I think they spike my coffee with hallucinogens). I can't stop staring at him when he comes in. Our eyes first met when he was practicing what appeared to be a monologue. (I couldn't exactly tell because he was mouthing the lines to himself.) He looked at me with his come-hither stare and I was gone. Something about sculpted facial hair and that beady eyed sneaky look just screams theater major, and captures my heart. I discover more and more about him every time we chance to be here together. I am becoming extremely talented at eavesdropping. He is in a dinner theater troupe that performs at fancy restaurants. They serve four course meals that correspond with the four acts in the play. He loves white and black... teas. Doesn't he sound perfect. The other day I almost offered him a tissue. He gets very emotional whilst practicing his lines. Oh, and that coffee mug... I've never seen a coffee mug used so effectively as a prop. The way he sneers his whispered lines, then takes a swig with a grimace, only then to lift his mug again to wipe his tears on his sleeve and then slam it down. He had me close to tears. I should applaud him the next time he's in here.
I went to see Men in Black III today (I accidentally wrote Men & Black, how embarrassing would that have been if I hadn't caught it?). I had to get the kids I nanny out of the house so the help could come and clean. So their dad gave us money and told us to go watch Men in Black. I informed the littlest that we were going to see Men in Black III and she replied, "I haven't even seen one, two, or four yet!" She is a card that little girl. I popped into her room this morning. "I'M HERE!!" I yodeled. She looked at me cool as a cucumber and said, (very much like Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada) "You can go back home now." They love me.
Wal-Mart called me yesterday offering me a maintenance position, emphasis on the cleaning of the bathrooms. I wanted to go in to interview. I wanted the experience of a real job interview (and I wanted to blog about it), but none of the interview times fit my schedule. Today a different one called offering the same position. To which I replied, "Yeah I don't really want to do that." They wanted a daytime cleaner, and I just can't fit that into my schedule. Oh Wal-Mart, you had your chance. That ship has sailed. Goodbye employee of the month dream. It seems as if that is one dream I shall never achieve... sigh.
Oh, so I'm convinced Gregory Alan Isakov was at my coffee shop earlier today (I would post his picture but he probably reads (wow I typed reeds the first time... that's... well that's just mortifying (I'm starting to doubt my English)) my blog). I'm also pretty sure I saw Laura Marling pushing a buggy at the grocery store. Who knows? I choose to be a believer.

I hope my readers don't find my parenthetical phrases too difficult to follow, if they do... there isn't anything I can do about it.

New Orleans, and Infectious Diseases

     Tomorrow I roadtrip. I will arise at some ungodly hour, pile into a minivan with my two younger siblings and my parents, and we shall journey to the land of swamps, crawfish, jazz, and... Cajuns. In case you were worrying about the etymology of the word Cajun, it is French for redneck. I once dated a Cajun for a week... I don't really want to talk about it... Senior year was rough.
     Anyway, I shall be spending Pentecost at my Byzantine Catholic Church, St. Nicholas. I'm sure after that we will go get coffee and beignets, Colleen, at the Cafe Du Monde. Oh, but not in the French Quarter. HAHAHA, are you kidding me? It's labor day weekend! No, we will be going where we usually go even when its not a big weekend. We will be going to Metairie, LA to visit the Cafe Du Monde there. Thats right, the suburb of New Orleans. Where we can be sure we will not be running into any pigeons or bums. It takes all the fun out of it I assure you. I wonder if there is an Urban Outfitters in New Orleans? Just googled it, yes,  there is. You know what there isn't? A TRADER JOE'S! I feel like a part my soul is being starved. How I love thee my dear Mr. Shaw.
     Ok so this really cute guy was sitting next to me earlier. I got kinda excited. Then I realized he was reading a book about infectious diseases. I quickly decided it would never work out. I mean he could be reading it because he is in med school, but he could also be reading it because he has an infectious disease. I'm not going to take that chance.
     So, my blog has now had 3 views in France, 3 views in Russia, and 1 view in Germany. So I shall salute France and talk about bidets. Why do people avoid bidets like they are riddled with infectious diseases? (I should ask that guy if any of the people in his book got the diseases from bidets) I have only ever seen one in person once, it was in my ex-uncles house. We aren't on speaking terms with him any more so I feel like it would be more than awkward to ring his door bell and ask if I could photograph it. When we were little we would stand around it in wonder and then try to hold people down in it while we pushed the lever. I had a lovely childhood. In case you were worrying about the etymology of the word bidet, it is French for pony. I just researched bidets on wikipedia. I now know way too much about bidets. I am not sure what I think of myself. I feel like I am strange person for googling bidet and then reading the wikipedia article on it. Bidets just make me laugh thats just the plain and simple story. I hear or read the word bidet and I just can't help giggling. The other day I was watching New Girl starring Zooey Deschanel, and there was a scene featuring a bidet gone crazy. This is why bidets are featured in todays blog, that and the fact that the French now read my blog. This isn't some sick twisted obsession. They just amuse me. They make me laugh. Don't research them. They are strange things.

Question of the day. Is it Blog Spot, Blogs Pot, or Pog Blots

Bad Story Bucket

Today I am posting from two different locations The Willie Morris Library, and Starbucks. I know what you are thinking my dear vast audience of billions, What am I doing blogging somewhere besides Cups coffee shop? Well today I showed just how dedicated i am to the written word and walked two point five miles, that's right 2.5 miles, just to get to my neighborhood library (I wish there were a way to capitalize numbers that looks decidedly unimpressive(does "wish" make this parenthetical statement subjunctive?!)).  So here I am at my awesome library and the first place I visited was THE AUDIO BOOK SECTION WHOOP WHOOP. I plan on ripping Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells onto my computer so i can have it always and fo free! I highly recommend this book and even more the audio book to any one looking for a classic book to read/ listen to. It revolves around 4 women and their relationship through the trials and tribulations of being alcoholic, pill dependent, Catholic, women in Louisiana. It really is a lovely, wholesome, and uplifting read. The movie has Sandra Bullock and James Garner in it as well as the guy who plays Robert the Bruce in Braveheart. So it must be a good book. Q.E.D.
This Library really is great. It used to be the Northside library and was situated between a dollar store and a laundry mat. I would go there when I was home schooled my 5th grade year on Tuesdays because that was when the help came and cleaned the house. It was that year I discovered the large print section. Did you know that they make books with huge print? I didn't, till 5th grade. After that at every opportunity I got all my books in large print. that is how I read The Lord of the Rings, large print, baby. However, the staff soon got tired of being mugged in the parking lot and built themselves a new location closer to my house. Which is where I am now. It is named after the guy who wrote My Dog Skip,William Morris. It is a great book and movie (starring Frankie Muniz, that's right, Agent Cody Banks!). I just got a new card so I am all ready to free my mind and broaden my horizons. I've always wondered what they would do if I stood up and just started screaming my head off. Oh well I will save that for another day. I think I am going to go browse the books. I will write some more when I get to Starbucks.
Well.... I got to Starbucks, but before I could even eat my scone I was whisked away by my brother so I didn't get to blog there. Oh, and the library portion of this text is from tuesday... today as of this moment is friday. A lot has happened since tuesday. Just kidding nothing has really happened at all. Uh-oh its that time again.... HIGH LIGHTS LOW LIGHTS!!!!!! duh duh duh duh BAH BAH BAH!! I will start with the low lights because I don't want to end on a bad note. Lowlights: I have a blister on my thumb from playing guitar, I am slightly sunburnt from laying out at the pool with the kids that I babysit, and I have to wait another year for the next Sherlock season to come out in America (CURSES ON BBC) Highlights of the week: I Learned Failure by Laura Marling, I get paid to watch children, take them to the pool, and watch New Girl. SUPER HIGHLIGHT: I saw the most amazing sunrise over the fields today. I could see the dew rising (not falling) as it was evaporating off the flora. It was amazing and it smelled like roadtrip. I looked at it and had the intense urge to say, "A red sunrise, blood was spilled this night."But, I didn't because I didn't have a dwarf with me. What I wouldn't give for a wild rumpus right now...

Trials and Tribulations

Here I am at Cups... once again. I find this is the best place for my musings. Musings seem to flow best under the influence... of caffeine, hipsters, spotify, and just the whole coffee shop vibe.
Speaking of Hipsters...

Dear man sitting across from me,
Your soul patch is perpendicular to your face

Dear Hippie Hipster,
You seem to have left your pants at home

Dear Tattooed Lady,
I know you are classy, because "I love Ramone" is written in cursive

Dear Lady screaming on the patio,
I'm sure your political beliefs are extremely important. Now shut up.

Oh hipsters, you have a heavy cross to bear, being so hip and with it. I'm not criticizing. In fact, I secretly believe that everyone wants very secretly to be a hipster. I wear feathers in my hair, and have a hat I named Clancy. I hang out in a coffee shop. What does this say about me? I do have a blog though which seems entirely un-hipster. Sigh... Maybe if I shop at Modcloth and Anthro...

I guess to be a hipster you have to be born one, or you have to be able to convince everyone you were

If your child is born a hipster here is a site that will help you
http://www.babycenter.com/0_hipster-baby-names_10305381.bc

The Brief Life and Times of Far Stish

Far Stish

Clinging to the jetty for dear life,

you know not what is coming to you, do you?

Each new wave brings life, invigorates.

In the absence, in the gap, 

there is only the longing for what has passed,

the safety of the sea.

Now it is gone and something sinister has come.

The sea recedes.

The star is pried, 

untimely ripped, for a rancid tomb.

Life is short for a star on a rock,

when scientific knowledge is to be had,

but what shall a star do in a bucket?

Where is its sky?

With its light in a bucket there's not much hope

My star is expired.

My star is dead.

My star is sentenced,

sentenced to hang by the leg til fallen.

A falling star,

Falling, striking ground

star dust, everywhere

a finer fate no star could ask.

No bottle o' Jameson,

No bottle o' Re-Juv-Nal,

Even these can not remove a falling star

My star,

My Far Stish

 RIP Farstish 

?- April 2012

Next Post:
Ode to My Chastity Mug

Thurban Tursday! and other musings...

     Well here I am again at Cups typing away while wearing my ostrich feather scarf as a turban. You know, the usual.
     The Coffee Flavor of the day is Creme Brulee. It is still too hot to drink but as soon as I take a sip I will give you a full account of its flavor.
     Well the first Turban Thursday Fondren has ever seen began today. My family is at a loss as to why I have donned a turban and gone out into public. Well, g dangit, if I am going to live here for the next three months I need to have something to look forward to. A man at mass told me he liked my headdress. My brother told me I look like Mammy from Gone With the Wind.

     I disagree...
     While I was at the grocery I asked a lady if they had any safety pins. She said they did not, and then another lady who worked there said to me as I sauntered to the exit, so as to continue my quest for safety pins at the Walgreen's, "mus be yo birfday," to which I replied, "No'mam it's just Turban Thursday."
     I recounted this anecdote to my brother. He looked at me with disdain. "She was referring to the safety pins, not your turban."
     "No, she was talking about my turban," I replied, "Isn't it a common for some ethnicities to wear turbans on their birthdays?"
     "No. But it is common to get a safety pin and pin a dollar to your shirt on your birthday."
Just in case you, my readers, aren't familiar with this tradition I shall attempt to explain it to you. My brother is referring the common practice certain ethnicities have here in Jackson. On one's birthday said person will fetch a safety pin and attach a dollar bill to it, and then attach it to their shirt. This lets everyone who encounters this person know it is their birthday, and hopefully so that, since now that the world knows, the world will proceed to give the person a dollar to attach to their shirt. By the end of the day the stack of money can be quite large. Something I learned in Catholic schools, if you put the bulk of the money in your purse it does not look as if you have accumulated very much and so people feel bad for you and give you more. People are less inclined to give money to a person with money exploding off their chest.
     If this explanation leaves you unsatisfied here is a helpful site I found http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081022113243AAWBMaF.
     Anyway, I refuse to accept this as what the woman in the grocery was referring to. I maintain people wear turbans on their birthdays. I mean, who doesn't like wearing turbans besides Canadians?! It seems like a very birthday thing to do to me.
     OH MY GOODNESS this coffee is amazing! Ahhhhhhh the tannins..... it has a nice brownish color, and smells very cremey with just a hint of brulee. Ahhhh it taste like.... some sort of french pastry... the name escapes me now I guess I will just have to ask the barista.... how embarrassing.
     Yesterday I saw an attractive male in the car next to me just as i had started to role down my window.... this is the worst. What if they think you are rolling it down so as to talk to them or to be flirtatious. I wanted neither of those things! I was just extremely hot. So instead of being comfortable I was just sitting in a hot car second guessing my motives and too embarrassed to continue rolling down the window. It was awful...

Hour 5

I have now been five hours in this coffee shop in Fondren Mississippi. I got here at 11. It is now 4:54. Don't judge me.
Judging is bad. That is why I have created this blog, to have a forum where people can express themselves without being judged.
GOTCHA!!! hahahahahahaha
Why would I write about that kind of hokey garbage?!
Feelings were made to be broken, get over it.
Now, I don't want people to think that I am an insensitive callous individual. I am, but I don't want people to think that.
The purpose of this blog is nonexistent. Anyone trying to find a purpose will be shot.
I have 93 days till I get back in my beautiful California so I will spend it working and blogging terrible stories to waste your and my time.
This blog already seems extremely choppy and random. It will probably be like this all summer. I'm trying to get in touch with my inner Faulkner and try stream of consciousness. So, if you notice any grammar errors don't correct, its been done on purpose I assure you. I know it will be hard for you, vast audience of millions that have a passion for grammar and view my bah blah blog religiously, but try to endure,